


Crushed

by Phantastic_Whovian



Series: Drowning [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: But will it be canon, Depression, F/F, Hospitalization, I dont know what plot is, I ship alexander/happiness, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, bear with me please, i dont know where im going with this tbh, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-10-16 11:45:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 21,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantastic_Whovian/pseuds/Phantastic_Whovian
Summary: The sequel to Drowning (please read that first )





	1. Chapter 1

“You look better.” Angelica observed. Alex smiled, a small smile.

“It’s a great day, Ange, what’s not to be happy about?”

“Are you sure it doesn’t have anything to do with  Thomas? ” She asked, glancing over to where he had fallen asleep on the chair, in the middle of his book. He blushed, but maintained his composure.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really.” 

“I can be happy, you know. Sometimes. For a variety of reasons.”

“I know. I didn’t mean to suggest you couldn’t. I just know how you feel about him, and that having him back is huge.” She paused. “Except...ohmygod, how did he convince you to let him stay?” Alex turned a fiery shade of red in response. “Oh my  god. ” 

“He told me he loved me.” Alex said in a small voice. “And I told him I loved him. So like, I guess we’re a thing now?”

“ALEXANDER HAMILTON. Why the  hell  didn't you tell me earlier!” She cried, obviously overjoyed. 

“Hm? What’s happening?” Thomas mumbled, sitting up. Alex smiled fondly.

“Nothing, Thomas. Go back to sleep.” 

“We were just talking about your relationship with Alex.” Angelica said. “What is it exactly?” Thomas shrugged sleepily.

“Whatever Alex wants it to be.” Angelica hummed.

“Hmm. Perfect answer. Textbook, in fact.”

“Ange, stop.” Alex groaned. “And I was kinda hoping that, after I get out, we could...like, go out somewhere? Like, a date?”

“I’d love that.” Thomas smiled, intertwining his fingers with Alex’s. “You know, it seems like we’ve done this kinda backwards.” He mused.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, first we profess our  undying love -” Alex snorted. “Then we  finally kiss, and then you ask me out?”

“Fair enough. I met your parents first, though.”

“Oh, right. I forgot about that for a moment.”  They smiled shyly at each other.

“Oh my god, I’m gonna throw up.”

Angelica muttered. “I’m beginning to regret all my hard work getting you together.”   
“Can’t ever  thank you enough for that, Ange.”

“Yeah, I know.”

 

Alex stood at the grave, shaking slightly as he knelt down.

“Hey, John. So, um. A lot’s happened. Like, a crazy amount. Honestly, if you were here, you probably wouldn’t believe it. Uh. You remember Jefferson? Yeah, uh. Well. He’s not a dick. Well, he’s still a dick. But. He’s my dick. You know? Oh god, that came out wrong. Um. I’m just trying to say. Well. We’re...we’re dating. And god, I love him. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve him. But...I feel a bit guilty, you know? I did love you, John. I swear.” He swallowed hard. “But I love Thomas, too. I feel like it’s...I dunno. Disrespectful.” He sighed. “So, I just...thank you, John. Thanks for everything you did. I...I think that I’m ready to move on, now.” He stood up, brushing the dirt off his knees. 

 

Laf ran through the door excitedly.

“Herc! HERC!” Herc looked up from his suitcase, exasperated.

“Babe, I love you, but if you’re about to tell me another knock knock joke instead of packing-”

“Nope!! It finally happened! You owe me twenty bucks!” A look of disbelief spread across Herc’s face.

“No way!”

“Yeah! Ange just texted me! They’re officially dating!” Laf laughed. He jumped into Herc’s arms, burying his face in his neck.

“God, it’s about time!” 

“Do you think...Alex will finally be happy?” Laf asked in a small voice.. Herc frowned, and disentangled himself from Laf, to put a hand on his cheek.

“You know that’s not how it works, love.” Laf sighed.

“I know. I just want so badly for him to be happy.”

“Me too. But Thomas can’t magically cure his depression. It’s a start, though.”

“It’s a start.” 

 

“Thooooomasssss.” Alex whined. “I’m boooooored.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Do you want to watch tv?”

“Nah. Can we go on a walk?”

“Sure.” Thomas said, slightly surprised. 

“I’m just...kinda sick of hospitals, you know? I’ve spent  way too much of my life in hospitals.”

“Of course. Come on, then.”

 

Thomas smiled to himself, humming lightly.

“What are you humming?” Alex asked. “It sounds kinda familiar.”

“Nothing.” Thomas replied, blushing a bit.

“Aww. C’mon, you can tell me I'm your boyfriend!” Alex beamed. Thomas laughed at him.

“Sure you wanna know?” Alex nodded. “ Wise men say, only fools rush in .” He began.

“Oh my god. I can’t believe I’m dating the actual cheesiest person in the world.” Alex groaned, blushing. He hid his face in his hands.

“Hey, I could be singing something worse.”

“Yeah, right.” Thomas raised an eyebrow.

“ When I was...a young boy...my father- ”

“Okay, okay, you made your point!” Alex cried. “I’m getting the sudden urge to put on some eyeliner and dig my MCR shirt out of my closet”

“You’d look pretty hot with eyeliner.” Thomas mused.

“I really wouldn't. It was so cringey. I had  blue hair , Thomas.  Blue hair. It was horrible. Laf hasn't stopped teasing me about it yet.”

“Oh my god, that’s the best thing I've ever heard. I have to ask Laf for some blackmail pictures.” Alex poured.

“Thoooomaass. I thought you loved me.” He whined. Thomas rolled his eyes.

“I do, you fucking nerd.” He leaned down and kissed Alex gently, wrapping his arms around the shorter man.

“Still mad.” Alex pouted. Thomas grinned, and in one fluid motion, picked him up bridal style.

“AAAHHH! Thomas!! Put me down!” He cried, laughing. 

“First you have to say I'm the new boyfriend in the world.”

“You’re the best boyfriend in the world and I love you. Now put me down!” Alex cried, giggling.

“Hmmm. I could just carry you back to the hospital like this.” Thomas mused.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Thomas raised an eyebrow.

“Hold on tight.” Alex gripped Thomas’s jacket tightly, burying his face in Thomas’s chest, and Thomas took off running, laughing the whole way. Thomas finally set him down just outside the hospital door, both of them exhilarated and a bit breathless.

“You’re the worst.” Alex grinned.

“Love you too, Darlin’.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff!  
> Angst!  
> Draaama!  
> Humor!!!!  
> Me not knowing what the hell I'm doing!  
> (TW for referenced self harm)

Alex was discharged from the hospital two weeks later. He had gained seven pounds and was already looking much healthier. Thomas was optimistic. Alex was in high spirits that day.

“We’re off to see the wiiizaarrd, the wonderful wizard of ozz!” He sang. “Come on, skip with me. Thomas grinned.

“I’m good, I wouldn’t want to fall and sprain my leg.”

“That happened once, you dickhead, and I was in seventh grade. Besides, at least I didn’t break my wrist trying to impress Angelica.”

“Oh come on, I was in eighth grade.”

“You tried to climb a fence.”

“Shut up.” Thomas said, not wanting to admit Alex was right.

“Hey, you can silence me, but you can’t silence the truth.” Alex .

“Oh my god. I hate you so much.”

“That's not what you said last night.” Alex winked suggestively. Thomas raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, actually, I did. When we tied at monopoly.”

“Tied? Excuse you, I beat you fair and square!” Alex argued.

“Uh-huh. Sure, babe.” Thomas let go of Alex’s hand to unlock the door. He pulled it open, and Alex visibly paled, thinking of bloody wrists and panic attacks.

He grabbed Thomas’s hand tightly.

“Um. Can-can we maybe go lay down?” He asked. Thomas nodded, looking around. He suddenly felt nauseous, remembering the weeks he’d spent there alone. No company but his alcohol cabinet and his razors.

“Yeah. Let's go cuddle and watch some Doctor Who.” Thomas said, squeezing his hand.

 

_“I hate you.” Thomas sneered. “You’re so fucking worthless. You can’t do anything right. You couldn’t even fucking kill yourself right.”_

_“I-I-”_

_“Who’s ever want you?” Thomas asked, caressing the spider in the palm of his hand. There was a trickle of blood running out the corner of his mouth. “You’re worthless and disgusting. You’re an abomination._

_“I-you said-said you loved me.” He choked._

_“Love you? Please. I can't stand you.” Thomas said._

_“Then...then why are you with me?” He asked._

_“Because I pity you.” Thomas sneered. “You’re pathetic and disgusting. Of course I don't love you. Nobody does. Why would anybody ever love someone as annoying as you? ‘Help, I'm having another crisis. Help, I'm gonna try and kill myself for attention. Help, I'm gonna have another panic attack and make you take care of me.’ It's annoying and tiring. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you.”_

Alex woke up sobbing, gasping for breath.

“ ‘lex?” Thomas mumbled from underneath the comforter. “Alex? What’s going on?”Alex shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself.

_Weak_

“S-sorry. Sorry.” He managed. Thomas frowned in concern, wrapping the smaller man up in his arms.

 _Pathetic_.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, love. Are you okay?” Alex nodded, despite his sobs, trying to maneuver out of Thomas’s arms.

 _I pity you_.

“Hey.” Thomas whispered, trying to distract him.

 _Disgusting_.

"Did you know that all of us are made of stardust? Things in you like magnesium and iron, they were all made in stars, forged inside a supernova. So you, me, everything we see, it’s all made of stars. Isn't that so cool?” Alex nodded, still a bit teary.

 _Annoying_.

“And the best part is, all those bits of us that were forged in a supernova, that lived as part of a star, that floated through space, they’re one of the strongest things on earth. And stardust stardust is ethereal and beautiful and stronger than it looks. Just like you.”

He wrapped his arms around Thomas.

“Thank you.” He mumbled.

“Of course, darlin. Anytime.”

 

Alex eventually fell asleep curled against Thomas, his head resting on Thomas’s chest.

Thomas didn’t sleep. His mind wouldn’t slow down for long enough. He glanced at his boyfriend, asleep in his arms, and felt a surge of emotion. Alex was peaceful in sleep, his forehead unwrinkled and his mouth almost smiling.

 _Will I ever deserve him? Will I ever be good enough?_ He mentally shook himself, remembering what his therapist had said about negative thoughts like that. _Alex thinks you’re good enough. If he didn't, he wouldn't be with you._

Right? He shifted a little, holding Alex tightly, and closed his eyes.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

 

Thomas smirked, clearing his throat, and Washington groaned, burying his face in his hands. They’d been back one day and they were at it already. Alexander turned to face Thomas, a glare on his face.

“What, Thomas.” He asked, his tone icy. “What brilliant observations do you have this time.” Thomas stood up.

“Alexander, no offense, but that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. There’s no practical application, no driving force-”

“Oh like you could do better.” Alex scoffed.

“In my sleep.”

“Babe, I love you, but next time you interrupt me I'm making you sleep on the couch.” Alex said.

“Babe. It’s my apartment.” Thomas rolled his eyes. Alex shrugged.

“I could go stay with Eliza...?” Thomas sighed.

“Fine. I’m sorry, okay?” Alex blew him a kiss.

“I know.”

Most of the office was dumbfounded, except for Burr, who was holding back laughter, and Washington, who simply looked exasperated.

“Meeting adjourned.” He sighed. “Hamilton, Jefferson. A word, please?”

Once the room had cleared, Washington stood up..

“Don’t get me wrong, I'm happy you two are...getting along.” Alex snickered. “But please, keep your whole life at home.” They nodded, and exited the room.

 

“Oh my god.” Alex laughed. “Their faces!”

“It was priceless.” Thomas agreed, flopping down on the couch.

“Hey, that’s my couch, you bum.” Alex said, not sounding too put out. Thomas shrugged. “Don’t you have work to do?”

“Uh-huh.” Thomas didn’t move.

“Thomas.” No response. “Oh my god, you’re gonna get fired.” Thomas groaned, sitting up.

“Okay, okay. I'm going. Love you.”

“Love you too.” He kissed Thomas gently, just relishing in the fact that he could. “I’ll see you later, promise.”

“I’ll bring by some food to your office.”

“Thanks, that'd be great.”

 

It was around noon when he got a call from Eliza.

“Hey, Eliza.” He said. “What’s going on?”

“I need you to get to the hospital.” An said, her voice shaky.

“What? What’s happened?”

“Angelica’s gone into labor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Forgetting that Angelica was pregnant?  
> (It's more likely than you think)
> 
> On a side note, I absolutely HATE it when a character is depressed and/or suicidal, but then the author gives them an S/O and suddenly everything is great???  
> So Alex will get better (possibly) and Thomas will be there to help him, but keep in mind that recovery is a long road and he's really only just beginning


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy is a Memester™  
> M a R I A ahhh im so sorry i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks soooo much to [clicheartist](http://clicheartist.tumblr.com/) for letting me rant at you and saying so many great things about this fic (seriously go check her out shes amazing)

Alex paced the waiting room nervously, wringing his hands.

“Calm down.” Eliza said, not sounding especially calm herself. “It’s fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine, it’s gonna be fine.” Peggy, who was curled up at her side, only shrugged.

“It’ll be okay.” She mumbled, exhausted.

“What time is your first class tomorrow, Peggs?” Alex asked sympathetically.

“Ugh, eight AM. I hate myself so much right now.” She mumbled. “College sucks ass.”

“Language!” Alex, Eliza, and Thomas all exclaimed in the same breath.

“Guys, I’m eighteen.” Peggy rolled her eyes. “And Alex, you don’t get to be judgemental, you never sleep either.”

“I do too!” Alex defends himself. “I slept for almost four hours last night!”

“What in sleep deprivation?” Peggy mumbled. Luckily, they were all saved from the oncoming meme war by the doctor’s arrival, to tell them Angelica could have visitors. All sleep deprivation, meme wars, and stress were mostly forgotten as they all rushed to the door.

  
  


Alex cradled the small newborn in his arms gently.

“Hi.” He cooed. “Hello, little one. Hello, Philip.” Philip gurgled happily up at him. Alex was so happy, he felt like he was going to cry. There was a suspicious lump in his throat. “I’m your Godfather. I’m Alex.” Philip stared up at him, his eyes huge and blue. Alex chuckled a bit, rubbing his eyes. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and Philips eyes shifted from Alex to Thomas, who had just walked up behind him.

“Hello.” He said, waving at Philip. Philip reached out to try and touch his hand, and Thomas obliged, bringing his hand closer.

“He’s so  _ small. _ ” Thomas marveled. Alex smiled, glancing over at Angelica, asleep in the hospital bed. 

“Do you want to hold him?” Thomas’s eyes widened.

“Could I?” A soft smile played on Alex’s face as he handed Thomas the baby.

“Hi Philip.” Thomas said, a smile illuminating his entire face. “Hello.”  Alex could have watched him play with Philip forever, but unfortunately Eliza stood up.

“Ok, you two have hogged him long enough. My turn.” She gently scooped Philip from Thomas’s arms.

“Hi Philip.” She said, smiling. “Hi. I'm your godmother, Aunt Eliza.” Peggy, at her side, pouted.

“I wanna hold him too.” Eliza rolled her eyes. 

“Yes, Peggy. Just a second. Maria, come here, love.” Maria stood up cautiously.

“I...I don’t know, Eliza.” She said hesitantly. “I wouldn’t want to-” Eliza smiled softly at her.

“Just say hi to him. Okay?” Mariah peered at Philip, waving nervously.

“Hi...” She said softly. “Um. I'm Maria.” He gurgled happily at her, and she burst into tears. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she fled the room.

“Shit.” Eliza cursed, the swear in itself shocking enough. “Here, Peggy.” She gently handed Philip to Peggy, and tore off after Maria.

“Um...” Thomas said. “What just happened?” Alex and Peggy shared a look, silently discussing something. Eventually, Alex sighed.

“A while ago, way back when....when I was still with John, she was with this James dude. He was a total dickhead, abusive, bigoted, and just an all around douche-a real hat trick.”

“Anyways,” Peggy said, interrupting Alex’s tirade. “He hurt her, a lot. But the worst thing was...well, he got her pregnant. And then one day he beat her so badly she had to go to the hospital. And...” Peggy swallowed hard.

“She miscarried.” Alex said. “It was horrible. Thankfully, though, at least that got her out of the situation. But, I mean. The loss of a kid? I don’t know, it’s not like that’s something you can just get over. I know Eliza meant well, she always does, but I’m not quite sure making her look at Philip was the best thing she could’ve done?” He sighed. “I hope Maria’s okay, and not having a panic attack or something.” Thomas grimaced.

“Should we try and find her?” Alex shook his head.

“No. For one, I’m pretty sure Eliza’s got this. I gave her plenty of experience with people having panic attacks. And anyways, if she  _ is _ having a panic attack, the last thing we want to do is surround her with people.” Thomas sighed.

“I feel bad.”

“Me too.”

“Hey.” Peggy interjected. “There’s no reason for  _ either _ of you to feel bad. What happened with the baby was that dickheads-” 

“Language!”

“-fault in the first place. Thomas, you didn’t even know about it. And you definitely didn’t give her a panic attack.” Alex ruffled Peggy’s hair.

“Just when did you get so mature, anyways?” She snorted.

“I’m definitely not mature-I just know self destructing behaviors when I see them.” Alex shrugged guiltily.

“Can’t exactly argue with you there.”

 

“Maria?” Eliza called, sprinting through the hallways. “ ‘Ria?” A petite nurse turned around, hearing her.

“Is there someone you’re looking for?” They asked kindly.

“Yeah, my girlfriend Maria. She’s a bit shorter than me, long hair, wearing a red sweater, drop dead gorgeous? She was really upset.” The nurse smiled.

“I think I saw her go into that bathroom down there.”

“Thank you, thank you  _ so much _ .” Eliza said, clasping the nurses hand. She sprinted off towards the door the nurse had pointed to. “Maria?” She called softly. “Are you here?” A soft sobbing noise got her attention, from the large handicapped stall. There was a figure sat with their back against the stall door. Eliza sat down against the stall door as well. “Ria, are you okay?” There was a soft sniffling sound.

“I-I just-Liza, I would’ve had a kid. A little baby girl. I had the crib all picked out, I’d been saving money, I’d painted the nursery. It was this real pretty shade of purple, and these beautiful sheer white curtains. I’d even picked out a name. She was gonna be called Elizabeth.” Eliza gasped softly, tears forming in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry. I had no idea, Maria. Well, no, I did. I guess I just wasn’t thinking. I was just so happy about Philip, and I didn’t think about how it might affect you. I’m so,  _ so _ sorry.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t know I’d react like that. Hell, I didn’t even know I’d react like that.” There was a low chuckle from the other side of the door.

“Can I come in?” Eliza asked cautiously. She heard her stand up, and quickly stood as well. The door opened, and a very red eyed Maria walked out. Maria flung herself into Eliza’s arms, as Eliza gently stroked her hair, murmuring softly. Strange, how sometimes comfort can be found in the strangest of places. A gravesite, a small office, a hospital bathroom. Sometimes, if you are with someone you truly love, it doesn’t quite matter. 

 

“Where-where’s Philip?” Angelica asked groggily, attempting to sit up.

“Right here,” Peggy answered, carefully handing the baby to her. She sat down on the bed beside her as Angelica scooted over, careful not to disturb her husband sitting in the chair next to her. She smiled, cradling her son to her chest. “So happy.” She mumbled to Peggy sleepily. “So happy.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didnt get any reviews last chapter so like...I hope you guys are still enjoying this??  
> TW for implied/referenced self harm.

It's too bad happiness doesn't last.

_Alex was bleeding._

_“Your fault.” He hissed. “Your fault...”_

This time it was Thomas who woke up in a cold sweat, visions of Alex bleeding at the wrists haunting his mind.

“Thomas?” Alex asked, sitting up. Thomas threw his arms around him clinging tightly.

“I love you.” He mumbled into Alex’s hair.

“I love you too.” Alex said, sounding confused. “Are you okay?” Thomas nodded.

“Better now.”

He still couldn't shake the images in his mind as he laid back down.

 

“Look, Ange, you gotta take at least a little time for yourself. It's been almost two months since the baby was born.” Alex said, frowning. He squeezed the phone tighter. “No, I get it. You’re worried. It’ll be fine. Thomas and I can handle Pip, while you go have fun with John.” He paused. “Ew. That's _definitely_ not what I was implying, I-Yes, I know you have stitches. I- Wow. I really didn't need that much detail. Okay hanging up now bye!” He pressed the end call button, and made a sound of disgust. Thomas poked his head through the door.

“Who was that?” He asked, curious.

“Oh, it was Ange. I managed to convince her that she and John should go do something together on Friday, like go to a restaurant, or go to a movie. Of course she took it the wrong way and started giving me very in depth details about her stitches and her postpartum bleeding that I definitely didn't need to hear.” Thomas made a face.

“Well, are they going out?”

“Yeah, I managed to convince her.”

“Who’s watching Pip?”

“We are.” Alex giggled as Thomas did a dorky little victory dance.

“Yeah, one on one time with my man Pip!” Alex placed a hand on his chest, offended.

“Um? Yeah, don’t mind me? I'm only your boyfriend?”

“Love you!” Thomas winked, and Alex rolled his eyes.

“You’re a dork.”

“I’m your dork.”

“Better believe it.” Alex said, pulling him in for a kiss.

 

“Ugh! Thomas, I just gotta know-does your ass ever get jealous of all the Shit that comes out of your mouth?” Alex asked. Thomas smirked.

“Oh, you know all about my ass.” Alex flushed a bright red, while Washington stood up.

“Jefferson, Hamilton, keep it civil. And PG.” He said with a groan.

“As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted-” Alex snickered. “This health care bill is obviously what's best for the company.” He heard Alex clear his throat.

“What.” He sighed.

“Oh, nothing. I'd agree with you, I would. But, of course, then we’d both be wrong.”

 

When the doorbell rang on friday night, Alex shot up from his spot on the couch.

“They’re here!” Thomas scrambled to get off the couch, trying to beat Alex to the door. They ended up at the door at the same time.

“Hi, Ange.” They said in the same breath. “Hi, John.” Alex took the carseat with Philip in it from Angelica, setting it down on the living room floor. John handed him the backpack with all of Philip’s things.

“Okay,” Ange said, “He has a bottle and some formula in there just in case, but he just ate four ounces. He probably shouldn’t need another one, unless we run late, you can give him two ounces at like eight thirty if he needs it. I packed plenty of diapers, and two packages of wipes just in case, he also has a couple of changes of clothes and pajamas. We’re going to that movie theatre right near the grocery store, so if you need us that’s where we’ll be. I’ll keep my phone on, you can text me at any time and I’ll-”

“Ange, slow down.” John laughed, taking her hand.

“We’ll be okay.” Alex agreed. “Thanks, Ange. Now go have some fun, okay?” She sighed.

“Okay. Thanks, Alex. Thanks, Thomas. We should be back before eight.” Alex nodded.

“Have fun, you crazy kids! Be safe!” He winked.

“Do I need to rehash all the reasons why that won’t be happening?” She asked, quirking an eyebrow. Thomas laughed at Alex’s face.

“Ew, no. Believe me, I never wanted to know that much.” Angelica bent down to kiss Philip on the forehead.

“Alright. I’ll see you guys in a little while. Love you, Pip.” She said softly.

 

“Oh, so your feet are ticklish!” Alex grinned, as Philip giggled. “What about your...knees?” Philip was laughing hysterically as Alex tickled his knees. “What about your...tummy?” He leaned forward to blow a raspberry on his stomach, and Philip giggled maniacally. Thomas looked on with a fond smile.

“How do you know so much about kids?” He asked. Alex shrugged, gently lifting Philip from where he was laying on the couch.

“I dunno. I had a lot of cousins, and I babysat for money for a while, so I picked a lot up.” He made a face, pulling his head away from Philip.. “I think it’s time we teach uncle Thomas how to change a diaper, wouldn’t you say Philip?” Thomas groaned, but reached into the bag to give him a diaper and some wipes.

“Ok,” Alex said, undoing Philips diaper. Thomas stood behind him, brandishing the packet of wipes like a weapon. “Give me a wipe, quick, so I can cover his-oops.” It was a bit too late for that, judging by the stream of pee that was now covering Thomas. Thomas blinked in surprise, as Alex dissolved into giggles.

“Uh. Here.” Thomas said, handing him the wipes. Alex changed Pip’s diaper quickly, still laughing. As he picked Philip up, he turned to see Thomas with a wicked grin. He outstretched his arms, coming closer to Alex.

“No-no you don’t!” Alex all but sprinted away, carefully cradling Pip in both hands. Laughing, Thomas lunged for him anyways, managing to catch him in his arms. Philip squealed with laughter, and Alex couldn’t help but join in.

“You dick, now we both have to change!” He said. Thomas shrugged.

“Oops.” Rolling his eyes, Alex started walking towards their bedroom, Thomas in tow. He set Philip gently on the bed, handing him a toy, before stripping out of his now soaked shirt. Thomas followed suit, shedding his top and throwing it on the ground. Alex turned to hand him his shirt, and his breath caught in his throat-but not for the reason he might’ve. Yes, Thomas was muscular and extremely hot, but he couldn’t exactly focus on that, seeing the pattern of scars across Thomas’s stomach. Thomas winced, as if suddenly just remembering.

“I...” Thomas said hesitantly. Alex reached out a shaky hand to touch his stomach, fingers lightly tracing the scars for a moment, then grabbed Thomas’s hand. He wrapped his arms around Thomas, who could feel the shorter man’s shaky breathing. He pressed their foreheads together briefly, before pulling away to put on a shirt. Thomas followed suit, still silent for some reason. Alex picked up Philip and headed back out to the living room, the mood drastically different than it had been a few moments ago. Thomas sat down on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands.

 _Fuck. Alex definitely hadn’t been supposed to see that_. He drew in a shaky breath _. It’s okay, it’s okay, he doesn’t hate you, he’s not disgusted._

 _No_ , a little voice said in the back of his head, _but he might feel guilty._..

Thomas told that voice, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off.

Sighing heavily, he stood up and walked into the living room. Alex gave him a watery smile.

“Look, Pip’s trying to lift his head.” Thomas smiled, letting himself be happy for just one moment.

 

“I’m getting really worried. They were supposed to be back four hours ago.” Alex said, slightly hysterical.

“I know.” Thomas frowned. “Are you sure Eliza didn't know anything?”

“Yeah. She’s been trying to call Ange, but she’s not answering Eliza’s calls either.” Thomas groaned.

“This isn't like her.” The sound of the doorbell startled them both, and woke Philip up. Alex gently picked up the crying infant, and they opened the door together, praying it was Angelica.

“Are you Alexander Hamilton?” The cop asked with a frown.

“Yes.” He said, growing more worried by the second.

“You were in Mrs Schuyler's emergency contacts list. I regret to have to tell you that she is in the hospital. She was in a bad car accident earlier tonight. Her husband, unfortunately, passed away at the scene.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M S O R R Y


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> P A I N  
> i am sufferrringgg  
> (I gave myself a massive existential crisis while writing this)  
> TW for existentialism I guess? idk

The room was silent, but for the sound of Eliza’s sobs. Thomas was biting his nails, sitting at the edge of the chair. Alex was pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  
“This is ridiculous.” He exploded, startling Peggy, who was sleeping across the chairs, her head in Eliza’s lap. She made a noise of discontentment, frowning at him. He winced apologetically.  
“Oops. Sorry, Peggs.” She smiled gently at him, and close her eyes again.  
“It’s ridiculous.” He repeated more quietly. “They haven’t given us any updates, and they won’t even tell us what’s going to happen. We don’t even...” He ran his hands through his hair, and swallowed hard. “God, we don’t even know if she’s going to be all right.”  
“She’s gonna be fine.” Eliza said, her voice brittle. “She has to be.” Alex refrained from saying anything, instead choosing to sit down heavily in the chair next to Thomas.  
“Can I-can I hold Pip? I just need to-i need to-I don’t know. Just, please.” Thomas handed him over without comment. Alex hugged the baby closely, ignoring the lump in his throat.   
Please wake up, Ange. Please.

“It’s time to talk about the issue of custody.” The police officer said. “Now, in her living will, she lists Alexander and Eliza as the godparents. However, it does not specify which one of you Philip goes to in the event of an emergency, so the first thing that needs to be decided is whether he will go to Eliza or Alexander, or whether a joint custody agreement will be worked out.”  
Eliza and Alex glanced at each other.  
“Um...” Alex said hesitantly. “I think one of us having custody of Pip until Angie wakes up would be best, so he isn’t being bounced around, and he can have one place to stay.”  
“I agree.” Eliza said, sounding distant.   
“Okay, so no joint custody arrangement. That just leaves who he’ll go to to be decided.”  
“We have an extra room at our place.” Alex said, when the silence became too awkward. “Uh, it could easily be converted into a nursery.”  
“We’ve just got our apartment...as much as I would love to take Pip, I’m pretty sure I don’t have the room...” Eliza sighed, running her hands through her hair. “I hate this.” She said. “I hate talking about where exactly Ange’s son get’s sent to, I hate talking about what happens when-if she dies, I hate talking about fucking nurseries and custody like this is some permanent thing.” She stormed out.   
“Hey. She’s just sleep deprived and stressed, yeah? She’s not actually mad at you.” Thomas said gently.  
“I know.” Alex said softly.  
“Shall I put you down as his caretakers, then?” Alex nodded.  
“Yes. We’ll take custody of Philip.”  
“Okay. Now, there is still the matter of what happens in the event of her death, and the funeral arrangements for Mr Schuyler-Church.”  
“Um. I can call his sister, she could do it. I didn’t...didn’t really know him well enough to...you know, plan his funeral.” The officer nodded, jotting something down.  
“Okay. Do you know if he had any wishes concerning burial, or cremation?” Alex shook his head.  
“I don’t know. I think he wanted to be cremated.” She nodded.  
“Okay. In the event of Mrs Schuyler-Church’s death, would you like to continue being Philip’s guardians?” Alex nodded without hesitation. “There are some specifications in her will as to how long she can be kept on life support. She has it stated explicitly in her will that after thirty days unresponsive, she wants the plug to be pulled.” Alex gasped.   
“Oh my god. So you mean, if she doesn’t wake up in a month...” The officer nodded sympathetically.  
“I advise you to go home and get some sleep.” She said kindly. “I understand this is a difficult time, but we are all doing everything we can, I promise.” Alex nodded and left the room, followed by Thomas.

“Thomas?” Alex asked thoughtfully.  
“What?” Thomas replied. Even with Alexander curled up at his side, he was finding it difficult to sleep.  
“Have you got a will written up?”  
“No.”  
“No, neither have I.” He said with a sigh. “Now I’m thinking about it, though, it’s probably something that needs to be done.”  
“Alex, you aren’t getting all existential, right?” Thomas asked, concerned.  
“I...yeah. A bit. I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about what happens after the two of us die-who our stuff goes to, what our funeral will be like, if we’ll be cremated. If anybody will miss me, or visit my grave.” He swallowed. “Thomas?”  
“Yeah, love?”  
“I don’t want to die.” He whimpered. “I don’t want to die I don’t want to die oh god I don’t want to die.” Thomas sat up, cradling Alex in his arms.  
“I know.” He said. “I don’t either. I really don’t. I’m fucking terrified, to tell you the truth. But, let’s just try to focus on right now. Okay?”  
“Okay.” Alex sniffed. “Sorry for having a bit of a meltdown.”  
“It’s fine.”  
“Are you okay, Thomas?”  
“I’m fine.” Thomas lied. “...no, actually. I’m basically about to be a parent, someone I care about a lot is in the hospital, and I’m having a bit of an existential crisis.” He swallowed hard, looking anywhere but at Alex.  
“Come here,” Alex whispered, holding his arms open.  
They fell asleep holding each other, the tears on their cheeks shining in the sunrise that peeked through the window.

“I really wanted custody of him.” Eliza sighed. “I really did. But...we don’t have the room, or the supplies, or even the knowledge.” Maria placed a hand on her arm.  
“Liza, it’s okay.” She said softly. “Besides, this way is a lot less stressful for you, right? You can still just be the cool aunt. You don’t have to worry about taking care of an infant.”  
“I suppose you’re right.” She hesitated. “Ria?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’ve been kinda thinking, and...I want kids.” Maria’s smile could’ve lit up the whole room.  
“Then someday, we’ll have a ton of them.” Eliza beamed at her, still blushing slightly from her confession.  
“Good to know.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I'VE HAD AWFUL WRITER'S BLOCK I FEEL TERRIBLE I'M SORRY  
> updates will be more frequently from now on though!!

Alex set a sleeping Philip on the bed, laying him next to Angelica.

“Hey, Ange,” he said. “It’s been a week. You asked us to turn off your life support after a month, in your will. I don’t...I don’t know why you would do that, not if there’s a chance that you could  wake up , that you could see your son again.” He swallowed thickly. “Um. Anyways. I brought Pip. I was hoping that might help, in some way. I dunno. Stupid, I guess. Heh.” He shook his head. “We miss you, Ange. Everyone does. So, uh, wake up soon, yeah?”

 

“You missed last week's appointment,” his therapist said.

“Yeah, sorry. Um, I was babysitting Philip, and uh, Angie and John got into a car accident. John died. Angie’s in a coma. And I’ve got custody of a three month old. So. Yeah.” 

His therapist frowned. “I’m sorry that so much has happened since I saw you last. Has anything good happened?”

“Not really,” Alexander replied.

The therapist frowned again.

“I see. Are you taking your medicine regularly?”

“Yeah, of course,” Alex lied. “Every day, six AM.” 

“Good. And how are Philip and Thomas?” Alex smiled, beginning a long winded story about Philip rolling over for the first time. And if he faltered mentioning Angelica, or if he hesitated a few times, nothing was said.

 

When Thomas got home, he was only slightly surprised to see Alex and Philip asleep together on the couch. Smiling, he shut off the cartoon playing on the TV.

“Alex.” He whispered, nudging him. “Alex.” Alex stirred.

“What?” He mumbled.

“Do you want dinner?” He nodded, carefully cradling Philip as he sat up.

“Yeah, just let me put Pip in his crib and I’ll help.”

“Oh, you don’t have to, I just wanted to know if you were hungry. You should sleep.” Alex gently shushed Philip, who was waking up.

“Looks like I won’t be putting him in his crib anymore. Hey, Philip. You wanna go say hi to your...” He paused. “Um. What are we to him? Are we still just his uncles?” Thomas frowned.

“Well. Um, if Angie wakes up, then that’s all we’ll be, and all he’ll call us, but if it...y’know, goes the other way...then he can’t exactly call us his uncles forever.”

“I dunno, I just feel like it’s kinda disrespectful to John’s memory for him to call one of us, like, dad or something, you know?” Thomas nodded.

“I know. But I think that they wouldn’t mind, right? Otherwise they wouldn’t have left Pip to us.” Alex shrugged. Thomas gently took Philip out of Alex’s arms, and smiled widely at him. 

“Hi, Philip! Hi!” Philip giggled, reaching for Thomas’s glasses. Alex gently took them off for him, setting them on the table. Thomas gave him a smile in thanks.

“I think it’s about time for Pip to eat, don’t you?” Alex asked. Thomas nodded.

“Yeah. What are we having tonight Pip? Now the choices for you are milk, milk, or if you’re feeling very adventurous...milk!”

“I think he’ll take the milk.” Alex said with a laugh.

“Milk it is!” Thomas crowed, lifting Philip in the air. Philip giggled hysterically, flailing. 

“Be careful!” Alex cried, nervously. Chuckling, Thomas pulled Philip back down to cradle him against his chest.

“Sorry, love.” He smiled. Alex sighed, trying to keep the fond expression off his face.

“Just please don’t drop ou-I mean, the kid.” Thomas ignored the small slip, and set Philip in the high chair.

“I’ll make his bottle if you wanna start on dinner.” Alex said, taking out the formula.

“Sure. I know exactly what we should have.” Thomas said with a grin.

“Oh, no. Don't say it.” Alex groaned. 

“Mac and cheese!”

“We still have some left over from the last time.” Alex said. “We eat way too much Mac and cheese.”

“Not possible.”

“Can we  please have something else?” Alex pleaded.

“Tell you what-we can cuddle and watch Doctor Who while we eat it.”

“Fine. But I'm tossing the leftover macaroni from last weekend.”

“Fine.” Thomas agreed. He could hear Alex talking quietly to Philip as he got out the ingredients to make the mac and cheese. Yes, he made his own homemade mac and cheese. He wasn’t some kind of heathen who ate  kraft. He shuddered at the thought. He decided to listen to what Alex was saying to Pip, as he quietly hummed a tune under his breath.

“There we are.” Alex said softly, soothingly. “That’s better. That’s good.” He glanced over at Thomas, who made a show of pretending to be busy. “You know, we love you an awful lot.” He whispered to Philip. “Way too much, probably, especially since we aren’t your parents.” Thomas turned away under the guise of finding a spoon.”But we do love you. And I can tell you love him.” He could hear the smile in Alex’s voice. “I guess that’s one thing we have in common, huh? You know, I think he would be a great dad. I really do. He’s such a great guy, Pip.” He sighed. “I feel so bad for being so happy right now, you know? I’ve got Thomas, I’ve got a great job, I’ve got tons of friends and family, and I’m just having a good day honestly. And, of course, I’ve got you. But I feel really bad about that. Cause you aren’t s’posed to be with me. Or Thomas. You’re supposed to be with your mom and dad. But...well. That’s not possible. Not right now. But I hope it will be. I really do.” He smiled at Pip. “Can I tell you a secret?” He glanced at Thomas again, who was busily stirring. “I think I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him. I just kinda feel it, you know?”

Thomas’s mind was spinning.  The rest of my life. Waking up next to Alex every morning, getting married, having kids, growing old together, sitting in their rocking chairs.

He could see it. 

And he had never wanted anything more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I haven't updated in so long. I'm so so so so so so sorry. I've been dealing with a lot this month, I've been on new meds, had a major death in my family, and I've been kind of unmotivated to continue this story.  
> Plus the season 12 finale of spn wrecked me not gonna lie.  
> But here's this chapter (which was really hard to write) and I'll try to get a new one out soon, cross my heart

**Pegs: aLEX**

**Me: yah whats up**

**Pegs: first of all its acceptable for me to type like a teenager because i am one**

**Pegs: you are a grown ass man**

**Me: LANGUAGE**

**Pegs: also i wanted to know if you wanted to grab lunch w me im bored and hungry**

**Me: kk**

**Pegs: gr8 XX**

 

“So, any particular reason you wanted to grab lunch with me?” Alex asked. Peggy shrugged, taking a bite of her sandwich.

“Nah. Not really. Just haven’t seen you much lately.” She replied.

“Ok.” Alex said, deciding to change the subject. “How’s school?” Peggy groaned loudly, resting her head on the table. “Allleeexxxx. You’ve only had Pip for like a week. How are you already acting like such a parent? You used to be the cool dude who’d like, sneak my beers-”

“-never done that-”

“-let me have one of your cigarettes-”

“You were almost eighteen and I quit after that-”

“-and never snitched when I snuck out. What happened to you, man?”

Alex shrugged guiltily.

“Sorry peggs. I guess I grew up. Happens to everyone, you know.”

“I miss you. We never spend time together anymore.” She sighed. 

“You’re right. When’s the last time we got lunch and checked out the butts of cute guys?”

“You checked out the cute guys. I always hit on the waitress.”

“Oh yeah! I remember once we were checking out the same girl and you got her number.”

“You wouldn't talk to me for a week.” Peggy laughed.

“I miss that.” He sighed wistfully. 

“Yeah. Me too.” She looked down at her empty plate, then checked her phone.

“I should go, I have a one thirty class. Promise you’ll text me, ok?”

“I promise.” Alex laughed. He pulled her in for a hug. “Bye pegs.”

“Bye Alex. Tell Pip and Thomas I say hi.”

“Will do.” He said, saluting her. She rolled her eyes at him, and walked out the door

  
  


“Thomas?” He called softly, walking inside.

“In the living room.” Thomas called. Alex shrugged off his coat, making his way to the living room.

 

“Hey.” He said, spotting Pip asleep on Thomas’s chest. “How’s it going?”

“Good.” Thomas smiled. “Pip fell asleep a little after you left. How’s Peggy?”

“She seems good. Tired, but she is a college student. I paid for her meal, by the way. She’s been living off ramen for a month.” Thomas grimaced.

“Poor kid. I remember that.”

“Yeah.” They were silent for a moment. 

“I kinda wish I’d known you in college.” Alex said with a sigh.

“I saw you a couple times, when you were a freshman.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I was in the last year of college. You were this enigmatic, enthusiastic guy who never stopped talking. Everybody knew who you were. I just couldn’t ever talk to you.” Alex rolled his eyes.

“I wish you would have. Maybe we wouldn’t have been enemies for so long.” 

“Maybe.” Just then, Philip made a small noise, opening his eyes. Both men looked at him instantly, and Alex knelt down beside the couch to look at him.

“Hey, Pip. Hey.” He said softly. Pip smiled, and Alex held out his arms. “Wanna come here?” Pip stretched, and buried his face in Thomas’s chest again. Thomas laughed, and carefully lifted Pip to pass him to Alex. He immediately rested his head on Alex’s shoulder, sticking a thumb in his mouth. “Aww. Did I wake you up, bud?” Alex asked, swaying gently from foot to foot. “I’m sorry. Go back to sleep. Shhh, shhh, shhh.” Thomas stretched, maneuvering out of the chair. 

“Ugh. My back hurts so much.” Alex nodded sympathetically.

“This kid’s getting heavy.”

“He really is.” Thomas sighed, and dropped a kiss on Pip’s head before kissing Alex. “Hey.” He said softly.

“Hey.” Alex smiled. “Missed you.”

“You weren’t gone for that long!” Thomas said fondly.

“No, I know. But Peggy telling me about her new partners made me remember how much I love you.” Just when Thomas thought he couldn’t be more in love.

“Love you too, you sap.” He said, throwing an arm over Alex’s shoulders. Alex carefully maneuvered Philip so he was cradling him, and leaned into Thomas’s side.

“Tired?” Thomas asked, remembering how little they’d slept the night before thanks to Philip.

“Yeah.” Alex yawned. “I think maybe Pip has the right idea. Let’s go take a nap.”

“Sounds good to me.” Thomas replied, taking his hand.

 

“Oh my  _ god, _ Thomas.” Alex groaned, frustrated. “This is what’s best for the company and you know it.” Washington sighed, already anticipating another fight.

“Yeah, it’s funny, you keep saying that, but I’m not so sure it’s the company’s best interests you have in mind.” He said, crossing his arms.

“Why the  _ fuck  _ do you always have to be so stubborn? Why can’t you ever agree with me?”

“Oh, come on. How old are you? Since when have you needed me to agree with you to think you’re right? Is this how it’s gonna be forever? You always needing me to agree on every single little thing with you? Is that how we’re going to raise our son?”

“He is  _ not _ our son. He’s Angelica’s.” 

“Oh, give it up. He’s ours. Angelica isn’t coming back. She’s basically dead already. She’s in a coma, Alex, and she’s not going to wake up. And you’re the only one that can’t see it.”

“I know that.” Alex said, his voice suspiciously hoarse. “Fuck you, you think I don’t know that? It’s my fault in the first place that they were in that car. I know Angelica probably isn’t coming back. But the difference between you and me is that I have enough respect for her to not act like she doesn’t have a chance!”

“She doesn’t!” Thomas yelled. “She’s practically  _ brain dead _ , Alex! There’s a difference between respect and refusing to acknowledge the truth!” The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop. 

“Fuck you.” Alex managed in a strangled voice. Thomas buried his head in his hands. He heard Alex push his chair out of the way, and then the door slammed shut. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, my depression is kicking my ass lately, and everything just seems to be going downhill. Plus, I started zoloft and it makes me tired ALL THE TIME. And I broke my phone a while ago, which I do most of my writing on. So I'm really really really sorry for the lack of updates recently and I hope you guys can forgive me. Y'all are the best and seeing your comments makes my day!

Burr appeared in Thomas’s doorway.

“That was kind of a dick move. Screaming at him like that.” Thomas groaned.

“Yeah, you think I don’t know that?” Burr stepped in, closing the door behind him.

“I think you should apologize to him. If I know Alex, and I do, then he’l forgive you as long as you explain. You’re both stressed out and tired. Raising a kid is tough work.” He chuckled a little. “At least you have the benefit of having Alex to help you raise him. Don’t mess that up, Thomas.” He disappeared as quickly as he’d come, leaving Thomas to sigh in defeat. He knew Burr was right. That didn’t mean he had to like it. But he did feel really guilty, and knew he had to apologize to Alex. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too upset.

 

A gentle knock sounded on Alex’s door.

“Come in.” He sniffed. Thomas entered quietly.

“Hey.” He said, softly. “You okay?” Alex shrugged.

“Not really. I’ve, uh, I’ve been thinking about what you said. And you’re right.”

“I shouldn’t’ve said it the way I said it though. I’m sorry for that. You didn’t deserve me yelling at you.”

“Yeah, that was a bit mean. But I yelled at you too. So, I’m sorry too, I guess.” They were both silent for a minute.

“We haven’t fought like that in a long time.” Thomas said. 

“Not since before...” Alex trailed off. They both knew what he was talking about. 

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t mind it so much when we bicker. Or debate. But when we’re screaming like that...” Alex sighed. “God, I hate that.” 

“Well then, next time, instead of screaming, maybe we should just sit down and have a conversation. Just like this.”

“Maybe. As long as we don’t get too caught up and forget.” Alex took Thomas’s hand gently, intertwining their fingers. “Love you.”

“I love you too.” Thomas smiled, knowing he was forgiven, and that Alex was too.

 

Philip was ecstatic to see them when they picked him up from daycare. Luckily, he’d already been in daycare, while Angelica and John went to work, so they hadn’t had to find one for him.

“Hey, bud,” Thomas said, lifting him. Philip giggled, as Thomas began to tickle him. “Oh, you’re ticklish today, huh?” Alex laughed at the sight of the two of them giggling hysterically. God, he loved them. 

Eventually, Thomas stopped tickling him, and Alex picked him up. He hugged Philip close to him, needing something to hold onto.

“Missed you, Pip.” He mumbled. “Ready to go home?” Pip gurgled happily and they both laughed.

“Home it is, then.” Thomas smiled.

 

 

Thomas hummed quietly to himself, mixing the rice and vegetables. There was an unspoken agreement that he was the only one allowed to cook, as Alex burned everything. Alex appeared in the doorway just then, right on cue.

“I put Pip down for a nap.” He said, tiredly. Thomas put down the bowl to reach out his arms so Alex could hug him. Alex buried himself in Thomas’s chest, and Thomas pressed a kiss on the top of his head.

“I miss you.” Alex mumbled. “I feel like we never get to really spend time with each other anymore, what with Pip and everything.” Thomas chuckled.

“It’s only been two weeks.” Alex pulled away.

“Oh, my god.” He said, eyes wide. “It’s been two weeks.” Thomas understood what he was saying immediately. 

“Two weeks left.” He said. “Two weeks until Ange...” Alex sat down on the floor heavily, sliding his back down the cabinet. Thomas joined him, intertwining their hands. They sat in silence for a moment. 

“I miss her.” Alex said after a moment. “She was like a sister to me.”

“I ever tell you about the time she beat someone up for me?” 

“No! Tell me about that, oh my god.” Thomas smiled.

“Well, we were in tenth grade, and this loser decided to call me a fag. So, she punched him. I think it was mostly because he used that word, but I like to think it was at least partially for me.” Alex snorted.

“Didn’t you two...?”

“Oh my god, it was one time! It was a drunken mistake and we promised never to speak of it again!” Alex hid his smile behind his hand, his eyes shining at Thomas. 

“I remember because I didn’t know it was  _ you _ until I mentioned what an asshole you were to Ange, and she recognized your name.”

“Good times.” Thomas sighed. “Man, Ange is pretty, but she’s...intense. She’s like 110 percent passion and anger.”   
“What about me?”

“120 percent.”

“Ha ha.”

“The difference is, when Ange is mad, she’s all, like, fiery. She screams and she threatens and she terrifies people.” That was true, Alex had experienced it. Many times. “But when you get mad, you get cold. Oh, sure, you shout, but it’s all calculated, logical. You absolutely  _ obliterate _ the person who you’re angry at.” Alex hummed, thoughtful.

“You’re different.” He said eventually. “You don’t even seem to get angry. You just smirk and say something that destroys four of my arguments.”

“It’s practice, darling.” Thomas said, smirking in exactly the way Alex had mentioned.

“See? Right there.”

“I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Hm. I’m sure.” Alex rolled his eyes. “I”m tired, you ready for bed?”

“Yeah, coming.” He stood carefully, joints creaking and aching, and reached out a hand to help Alex up.

“We’re getting old.” Alex joked, feeling the stiffness in his knees.

“Maybe you are. I could beat you to the bedroom.”

“You’re on, old man!” Alex took off running, Thomas neck and neck with him. They collapsed on the bed at the same time.

“I won.” Alex panted.

“You wish.” Thomas replied. “We both know it was totally me.” Alex playfully punched him in the shoulder, and then curled into his side.

“Babe. You can’t sleep in your clothes.” Thomas said, exasperated. Alex mumbled something unintelligible, clinging to Thomas’s shirt. Thomas sighed, and resigned himself to sleeping in a shirt that night. He kicked off his socks and jeans, then curled up with Alex and fell fast asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! I don't really have an excuse I'm just a shitty person lmfao

Alex couldn’t concentrate. He didn’t know if it was the fact that he was waiting for Thomas to walk into his office so they could go get lunch, or if he just had too much coffee, but something was making it impossible for him to think clearly. His phone started ringing in his pocket. He almost hung up, not recognizing the number, but something made him press accept. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alex, it’s Maria.”

“Oh, hey!”

“Hi! I, um, I wanted your advice on something.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“I’m going to propose to Liza.”

“Oh my god, no way!”

“Yeah. But I need some advice about how to do it.”

“Okay. Well, Liza will never admit it, but she loves pretty, fancy things. But she doesn’t like a huge scene to be made, she gets embarrassed.”

“I was thinking of taking her to a fancy restaurant and putting the ring in her champagne.”

“Oh, that’s good. She loves cliches like that.”

“I know. Do you know how many Nicholas Sparks movies she’s made me watch?”

“Oh, a Walk to Remember is my favorite. God, I cried so hard.”

“...”   
“I am not ashamed to love chick flicks.”

“Ooookay. Anyways, thanks. I think I’m gonna do it tonight. Surprise her with a fancy dinner.”

“Sounds good! I’m sure I’ll get a call later then. And, Maria?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t worry, she’ll say yes. I’ve never seen her as happy as she is with you.”

“Thanks, Alex, that means a lot.” She hung up, and he put his phone back in his pocket with a fond grin.

“Ready to go now?” He looked up to see Thomas standing in the doorway.

“Oh, hey Thomas.”

“Hey. Who were you talking to?” He asked, curiously.

“Maria. She’s planning on proposing to Eliza tonight.” Thomas grinned.

“No way, oh my god!” 

“Yeah! So, Eliza’s probably gonna call at some point tonight.”

“Do you think she’ll say yes?”

“Oh, I know she will.”

 

 

Maria sat in the restaurant, anxiously twisting her hair around her fingers. Eliza had gone to the bathroom, and Maria had a mission. With shaking fingers, she pulled the ring out, looking at it one last time.  She hastily put it back in her purse as she heard footsteps approaching. “Sorry, love. There was a line.” Eliza grimaced, sitting down across from her. “You okay?” She asked gently, taking Maria’s hand.

“I’m fine.” Maria smiled. “Just a little bit uncomfortable, I guess. This place is really nice.”

“Do you want to leave?” Eliza asked, frowning.

“No, no! I’m fine, really!” Maria said. “Um, why don’t you have some champagne?” Eliza shrugged.

“Okay.” They both sipped their champagne at the same time, Maria watching Eliza carefully. With a small grin, Maria pulled the ring out of her purse, and got down on one knee. Eliza gasped, a hand over her mouth. They had drawn the attention of those around them, who were watching with bated breath.

“Eliza. I love you so much. I love you an insane amount. You make me feel young and crazy and carefree again. I’ve never been this happy, and I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. So, Elizabeth Schuyler...will you marry me?” There were tears streaming down Eliza’s face.

“Yes!” She choked out. “Yes, yes, oh my god yes!” Maria stood up, as the people around them applauded. Eliza threw her arms around Maria’s neck. 

“I love you too.” She said softly, before kissing her.

 

 

**Me: babe im grabbing a coffee you want me to bring you one**

**Hamemeton: don’t you mean**

**Hamemeton:,,,,,,covfefe**

**Me: that meme is dead**

**Hamemeton: it happened yESTERDAY**

**Me: yes but people have been using it nonstop since**

**Hamemeton: tru but im not gonna stop using it soooo**

Thomas rolled his eyes fondly, grinning at his phone screen.

**Me: listen jackass you want a coffee or not**

**Hamemeton: when have i ever said no to a coffee**

“Talking to Hamilton?” Thomas’s eyes shot up, to see James Madison standing in front of him.

“Uh, yeah. How’d you know?”

“You always get that grin on your face when you’re texting him.”

“Oh.” 

“I, uh.” Madison looked down, clearing his throat awkwardly. “I realized I, uh, never really apologized for what I said to Hamilton.”

“It really hurt him.” Thomas said, mildly curious as to where this was going. “That messed him up for a long time.” Madison winced.

“I know.” He mumbled. “I guess, I was just so used to watching out for you, I didn’t realize just how badly he was actually suffering. I’m not making excuses.” He said quickly. “I know it was inexcusable, and I have no right to ask for your forgiveness.” Thomas sighed.

“James,” He said. “I’m not gonna lie. That was an awful thing you did, and it really affected both Alex and I. But I can recognize that you weren’t thinking clearly, and I believe that you are really sorry. I don’t think we can go back to how we were before, but we could maybe be friends again.”

“Yeah.” James’s grin was wide and infectious. “Yeah, of course. Thank you.” Thomas smiled.

“Sure. Are you getting a coffee?”

“Yeah, actually.” 

“Me too. I’ll walk with you.”

 

Alex was scrolling through his phone when Thomas knocked on his door.

“Hey babe.” Thomas said, entering. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting for Eliza to text.” Alex said sheepishly. “They went to dinner a little while ago. Wait, fuck it’s already five?”

“Oh, shit.” Thomas said. “We gotta pick up Pip.” Thomas hastily grabbed his coat, shoving a few papers into his pocket.

“Yeah. C’mon, let’s go.”

 

“Pip!” Alex cooed. “Pip, sweetie, c’mere!”

“No, no, come to  _ me _ !” Thomas said, sitting next to Alex.

“No, here!” Pip gurgled happily, not moving an inch. Alex rolled his eyes, and scooped him off the living room floor.

“Bud, you’re almost four months old. You gotta start crawling eventually.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“He’s not old enough to crawl yet, Alex.”

“Hey, a guy can dream!” Thomas laughed.

“You’ve got a silly daddy, haven’t you Pip? Say ‘silly daddy! Silly daddy!’” Philip giggled, reaching his arms out towards Thomas. “Say ‘silly daddy’” Alex smiled fondly at the two of them as Thomas took Pip, tickling his stomach relentlessly. 

God he loved those two.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My life is completely falling apart and I'm just  
> idk just enjoy this i guess   
> Warnings in the notes

Angelica died two weeks later, her sisters sobbing at her side. Alex had his face buried in Thomas's shoulder. Thomas was uncharacteristically blank faced, staring at something nobody else could see.

Eliza went home to her fiancé, and cried until she fell asleep, Maria holding her tightly.

Peggy went home to her two girlfriends and her boyfriend, for an impromptu Disney movie marathon and lots of cuddles. She laughed, cried, and told them all several times how much she loved them.

Alex and Thomas went home, avoiding speaking to each other.

Thomas put Philip down for a nap, and laid in the darkened bedroom for hours, claiming a migraine.

And Alex picked up a pen.

 

He remembered when he bled ink. When his every torturous heartbeat flooded his whole being with color, when his veins were corroded and his blood was more words than anything. And every drop of blood was art, beautiful sentences flowing onto the page. Misery, and hatred, and miserable nights, and _someone help me I don't know how to feel_  transformed to something people could look at and say 'what a genius, what an artist.' _What a beautiful tragedy_.

Now, he thought, it was red. The red of pain and the red of fire and the red of long forgotten passion, and the red of _I fucked up again_. The red of danger and bloodied smiles, children's hands outstretched towards the sun, towards an unforgiving god, praying for a salvation that will never come.

It's bullshit, it's fucking bullshit. The world hates people like him, people who bleed passion, bleed injustice. The people who could never find the words to ask for help in a way people understand. The people who knew that true art, true beauty, lies in the imperfections. The people who give all of themselves, the people who scream into blood red sunsets about the cruelty of the world, and never do anything about it.

 

The world hates the people who have given up because it cannot take from them. But it can give nothing back either, cannot give them back their hopes, their wasted dreams, the empty promises made to them in their childhoods, the I love you's and I'll never leave's and it'll get better's. It doesn't get better. It never gets better. The world is a son of a bitch. It rips out throats and crushes hearts, and claims the pain is nonexistent. It chews you up and spits you out the other side with a cheerful 'have fun.' Have fun surviving, have fun working three jobs, have fun stretching the dollars to put something in your children's ever shrinking stomachs, have fun with the scars that pattern your skin, the bile staining your mouth, have fun with your best friends suicidal confessions at three in the morning, have fun being born with the wrong body, the wrong self, have fun with staring down the end of a guns barrel and willing yourself to take that final step. Have fun have fun with meaning nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. Inconsequential, meaningless, small, insignificant. Have fun with your fucking bullshit excuse of a life because you'll be sorry to see it go.

 

They say Van Gogh's art would have suffered for his happiness. As if it's a choice, as if it's something they get to decide. He wondered where the fuck they got off, acting like his pain is theirs and theirs alone, like it wasn't something he suffered for. And he wondered, since when is that something that they have a say in? Why the fuck would they rather have his art than his happiness? Why should he have had to suffer for their sake? Is it really his art they love, or his tragedy? What a pretty story, sugar coated and wrapped in a pretty bow. The tragic artist who chose to end his sufferings. They ignore the darkness of it all, the miserable nights, and the fits of apathetic depression, the loneliness of the entire world being against you, even if they aren't. What a goddamned tragedy, what a beautiful ending. What a waste. 

 

He wrote this in the margins of his notebook, in the blank spaces left by the holes where his creativity once lived. He scribbled it in black ink, blue ink, purple ink, tearing the paper. He scribbled it on his arm, his thighs, his stomach, willing the words to fill the scars, fill the empty spaces inside him, fill the gaping void inside his chest, grasping at his ribs, squeezing his heart, slowly suffocating him. He wrote it all, not stopping, not hesitating. And then he destroyed it all, lighting the pages on fire, scrubbing his arms until they bled blue and black and purple like one giant bruise. He scrubbed away the evidence, scrubbed away his very self, until he was raw and vulnerable. Until he was stripped bare for all the world to see.

He put his lips to the neck of a bottle, and washed the cleanliness away with unholy fire, with tragedy and with loneliness.

He forgot how bleak the world was.

 

It is with these heavy thoughts, these dark impulses, that he took the razor to the inside of his wrists, tracing over the long scars already there, made with scissors so long ago. 

And made the cut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for references to self harm, drinking, mentions of blood, mentions of a suicide attempt, and an actual suicide attempt


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit short, but I felt like you guys deserved something after putting up with my angsting last chapter

Thomas sat in the waiting room of the hospital. It was horrifying just how familiar it was becoming to him. Eliza sat next to him. She was curled up in the chair, her legs underneath her and her head in Maria’s lap.  
Thomas had decided it was finally time to stop hiding and actually talk about it, like an adult. And he’d come out to the living room, prepared to find Alex and just hug him, tightly enough that he’d never have to let go.  
Instead he’d found him on the floor in a pool of his own blood. He’d raced frantically to Alex’s side, calling 911 without hesitation. God, what an awful call to make. “Yes, 911, my boyfriend just tried to kill himself.”  
And now he was here, stuck in this waiting room for what felt like the millionth time.  
He caught sight of a familiar face in the chair across from him. Frowning, he looked back down to the magazine he was idly flipping through.  
He would never forget that face. What the hell was his father doing here?  
One thing was for sure, if that abusive asshole was back, then Thomas needed to get him as far away from Alex as possible.  
He casually stood up, making his way to the bathroom. Once he was locked inside a stall, he pulled out his phone and immediately called his mother.  
"Mom?" He whispered.  
"Thomas? What's wrong?"  
"Dad is here. He's following me."  
"What? He found you? How did he find you?"  
"I don't know, but you need to be careful. If he could find me, he might be ablw to find you."  
"Are you okay? Is Alex okay?"  
"We're both fine. Alex doesn't even know. I told him my father was dead."  
"I don't normally condone lying, but I think you did the right thing there."  
"Don't worry, I'm going to get him as far away from Alex as possible."  
"Okay. Stay safe, honey. I love you."  
"I love you too, mom."

When Alex woke up, Thomas wasn’t in the chair beside him. Feeling a surge of panic, he sat up.  
“Thomas?” He called. “Thomas?” The door opened.  
“Alex.” Liza said. “You’re awake.”  
“I...how did I get here?”  
“You slit your wrists. Again. Thomas found you.” She sat down in the chair next to him.  
“Oh.” He caught sight of her tearstained cheeks, and reached over to touch her hand. “What’s wrong?”  
“What’s wrong?” She asked, suddenly furious. “What’s wrong is that less than a day after my sister died, my cousin attempted suicide. What's wrong is that you aren't making any effort to get better. What’s wrong is I can’t even properly grieve after my sister because I’m too fucking worried about what you’re going to do.” The silence in the room was deafening. Realizing what she’d said, Eliza brought a hand to her mouth in shock. “Oh, god. Alex, I didn’t mean-”  
“It’s okay.” He interrupted. “You’re right. I’m selfish and stupid.”  
“No, Alex, no-”  
“God, I don’t even deserve to be here. Thomas should have just left me to bleed out.”  
“Alex-”  
“You don’t even want to be here, Liza. Go home. Go be with Maria. I’m fine.” He smiled weakly.  
“I don’t want you to be alone.”  
“I’ll be fine. I try anything, and nurses come running in.”  
“That’s not what I meant. I don’t want you to be lonely.”  
“I’ll be fine, Liza, go.” She sighed, and smoothed his hair down.  
“Goodnight Alex.” She trudged out of the room, exhausted. Alex watched her go, hugging his knees to his chest.

Thomas came later that night.  
"Thomas!" Alex cried, relieved. "Where were you?"  
"I was with Pip." Thomas said, not sitting down.  
"Oh, ok."  
"I can't do this anymore." Thomas blurted. Alex froze.  
"Do...what?"  
"This relationship. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be with someone who can make me happy."  
"I thought...I did that." Alex said, doubting himself even as he spoke it.  
"You didn't. You never did. Every moment I spend with you is miserable. I pity you."   
"Why are you doing this?"  
"Because I don't love you anymore, Hamilton. I never did. And I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend to be your loving boyfriend when I can't stand the sight of you." He turned to leave.  
"I love you." Alex said in a broken voice. Thomas swallowed hard. He bolstered his resolve and walked out anyways, burying his face in his hands as soon as he was in the hallway.

He stared dumfounded at the door, confused and upset.  
Come back, he willed. Please. please come back.  
The door did not open. The handle did not turn. There was no muffled swearing as Thomas dropped something trying to open the door. There was no rustle of paper as Thomas read in the chair by the window.There was only unnerving, never ending silence. Alex pinched himself as hard as he could. Again and again, hard enough that it would probably leave a bruise. I must be dreaming, he thought. I'm having some kind of a nightmare. Any moment now he'd wake up and be wrapped in Thomas's arms.   
That moment never came.

Thomas sat on the couch at his apartment. He had given Eliza all of Alex's things, and told her the actual reason he had to do what he was doing. Unlike Alex, he knew she'd agree that keeping Alex far away from Thomas's father was the best possible thing for him.   
"When are you going to explain this to Alex?" She had asked.  
"As soon as this is over. As soon as my father is either in a jail cell or dead." She sighed.  
"I don't like this. I don't like what it's doing to him or you. But I understand."  
"Thank you Liza."  
"Of course. You know I would do anything for you guys. Thomas smiled.  
"Look after him, will you?"  
"I'll do my best."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me? Completely in love with Peggy Schuyler? It's more likely than you think   
> Trigger warnings in the notes

* * *

cinnamon roll: Thomas he's moping  
Me: oh god how bad  
cinnamon roll: well uh  
cinnamon roll: he's been lying on my couch for three days now  
cinnamon roll: he hasn't changed or showered  
cinnamon roll: and i never see him eat but he must because a ton of my food is gone  
cinnamon roll: he's just watching chopped and not saying anything.  
Me: wow  
Me: that is bad  
cinnamon roll: yeah no shit  
cinnamon roll: and Maria and I have been watching pip  
Me: I'm so sorry Liza  
cinnamon roll: i know  
cinnamon roll: just please explain soon

"You okay, Alex?" Burr asked hesitantly. "You look kinda..."  
"I'm fine." Alex snapped. Burr raised his hands, the universal gesture for 'geez, what's your problem?'l  
"Oooookay. Wow." He paused. "You know, Thomas had the same reaction. Are you two fighting?" Alex whirled on one heel.  
"Don't talk about things you don't understand, Burr." He said, his tone icy. Burr watched him go, confused and somewhat apprehensive. If Alex and Thomas were fighting again, the whole office would know soon.

"You're a fucking douchebag." Alex hissed. "Fuck you. You know I'm right."  
"I'm just telling it like it is." Thomas said, rolling his eyes. Furious, Alex clenched his jaw.   
"Listen, asswipe." He said. "I don't give a fuck what you think. My plan is sound."  
"Hamilton." Washington said, interrupting the fight. "My office. Now." There were chuckles around the table as Hamilton seemed to physically shrink. "Meeting adjourned."

"Son-"  
"Don't call me son."  
"I don't know what's going on with you, but you better have a damn good excuse. Arguing with Jefferson, producing a normal amount of work..."  
"I apologize." Alex said stiffly. Washington sighed.  
"I just want to make sure you're okay."  
"I'm fine." Washington gave him a long look.  
"Okay." He said finally. "But you know you can talk to me anytime, right?" Alex nodded. "Okay. You can go." Alex nodded again, exiting the office as quietly as he had come in.

"Alex?" Peggy asked, walking into the silent apartment. "Are you here?" There was a muffled sob from the bathroom, an Peggy raced down the hallway without hesitation. The door was locked from the inside.  
"Alex?" She cried frantically. "Alex, are you in there?" The sobs continued. "Alex!?"  
"Y-yes, I'm h-here." He sounded broken, vulnerable.   
"Can you please open the door?" She asked gently, hoping it wasn't anything too bad.  
"No." She knelt beside the door, placing a hand on the wood.  
"Please, Alex?" She asked, doing her best to keep her voice calm.  
"N-no. You'll h-hate me." He sobbed.  
"Oh, Lexy, I could never hate you." She said gently, hating how her voice trembled with emotion.  
"Th-that's what Thomas said." His voice broke on Thomas's name. Peggy fełt her heart drop.  
"That isn't your fault. I swear, that wasn't your fault, Lex. Please open the door. I just want to make sure you're okay."There was a clicking noise, and when she tried the doorknob she found it unlocked. She sprang to her feet and opened the door. Alex was leaning against the bathtub. There were horizontal cuts running up his forearm, and she never thought she'd see the day when that would make her relieved. At least he hadn't tried to kill himself. Self harm cuts, she could deal with. She'd cleaned up her fair share of self harm cuts, and not just from Alex. But that was a train of thought she didn't like.   
The bloody razor in his hand made a metallic ringing sound as it clattered against the floor.  
"Why doesn't he love me?" He asked, his voice small and vulnerable. "He told me he loved me. Why did he lie to me?" Peggy's heart dropped.  
"Oh, no. Oh, honey, no." His breath was coming in fast gasps. He wrapped his trembling arms around himself.  
"What did I do wrong?" Peggy reached out, taking his hands.  
"You didn't do anything. I swear." He shook his head, yanking his hands away to bury his face. She wrapped her arms around him as he began to sob again. "Shhhh." She soothed. "It's okay, you're okay."  
"I miss him." He cried. "I still love him, Peggy."  
"I know, Lex. I know."  
She remembers when he used to hold her like this, when he used to be the one to take care of her. Her sisters were often busy, or didn't understand, but Alex was always there to listen and comfort. He held her like this when she got her first period, and assured her it didn't mean she had to grow up or act any differently. He held her like this when she had her first breakup, and he made her laugh through her tears with vivid empty threats about what he would do to the boy who broke up with her. He held her like this the night the boy she'd loved with all her heart had taken advantage of her, and wept bitter tears into her hair. He'd held her like this on all those lonely nights in high school when the pressure had gotten to her, and he'd driven te forty minutes from his campus to comfort her and bandage her. And now she sat here cradling him, saying all the things he used to say to her, wondering when their roles had switched so much.

Maria Lewis was having an exhausting day. First, a customer had asked to see the manager, which was her, and then refused to speak to her because of her skin color. Her coworker George had said something about her being a dyke and she had almost punched him. Philip had kept her and Eliza up half the night. And, as much as she liked Alex, his constant presence on the couch was slightly irritating. Especially since he'd finished off her chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Her phone buzzed, telling her she had an incoming call from Peggy.  
"Hello?" She asked.  
"Hey, 'Ria. Liza wasn't answering her phone. Uh, I'm at your house, with Alex. He's in pretty bad shape. I think he needs some professional help."  
"How much more can he get? He's seeing a therapist, he's taking meds. I really don't want to check him into a mental hospital..."  
"No, me either. God, I hate this."  
"Yeah. Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW-references to rape/noncon, mentions of self harm


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh  
> Feels  
> Lots of feels  
> And angst because when do I write anything else?

* * *

Madison knocked on Thomas's door. When he didn't hear an answer, he walked in, expecting the worst.  
Thomas was asleep at his desk, his head resting on an open book. James tapped him on the shoulder.  
"Thomas?" He jolted awake, pushing his hair away from his face.  
"I'm up, I'm up, sorry." He said, his southern accent more noticeable than usual. That always happened when he was extremely tired or stressed.  
"Did you even go home past night?" James asked, pursing his lips dissapprovingly.  
"No, mom." Thomas said, rolling his eyes. James glanced around for food wrappers, but saw none.  
"When's the last time you ate?"  
"Uhhhh..."  
"Christ, you're getting as bad as Alexander." Thomas winced at that name. "What's going on between the two of you?" Thomas glanced around, and shut the door firmly.  
"My dad is here. He's following me. I had to break up with Alex so my dad couldn't use him to get to me. I don't want him getting hurt."  
"But you explained that to Alex, right?"   
"I couldn't. My dad was in the hospital, James. I couldn't be sure he wasn't listening in."  
"Jesus Christ, Thomas."  
"I know." He said miserably. "But I couldn't let him hurt Alex, James. I couldn't."  
"And you aren't worried Alex will hurt himself?"  
"I just have to wait until my dad makes a move. Then they can arrest him and I can explain everything to Alex."  
"I hope he understands."  
"Me too."

Alex barely glanced up when he heard the door open. Peggy was asleep on the couch with him, curled up in a ball. He held up a finger to his lips as Eliza walked in.  
"She grew up." He said. "Somehow, without me seeing it, she grew up." Eliza nodded sympathetically.  
"Peggy." She whispered. Peggy yawned, looking up at Eliza groggily. "Abby called. You didn't tell her, or Josh, or even Martha where you were going?" Peggy shrugged.  
"Dabs was working, Mar was sleeping, and Joshy was on a date. There's this really hot dude he wants us to meet, he's had a crush on him for a while. Plus that'll even us out a little. I'll be dating two girls and two guys." Eliza nodded.  
"I hope it goes well. What's his name?"  
"Sam."  
"I like that name."  
"Actually yeah, me too." Peggy stood up. "I should probably get going. Dabs is probably worried."  
"She sounded worried. But once I told her where you were she seemed less worried. She was just concerned that you'd left without telling anyone. Especially since she said you've been feeling more depressed lately. Which you never told me."   
"I didn't really think that it was that important, not with..." She glanced at Alex. "Not with everything lately." She finished lamely. "Anyways, gotta go, love you both, bye!" She left quickly before they could ask her any more questions.  
"Did she seem okay while she was here?" Eliza asked Alex. He shrugged.  
"I mean she seemed pretty down, but I kind of figured it was just cause of what she caught me doing." She gave him a questioning look, and in answer he tugged his sweatshirt sleeve even farther down.  
"I hope she's okay." Eliza said, nervously.  
"She's got Abby, and Josh, and Martha, she'll be okay." They sat on silence for a moment. "Hey, where's Pip?" He asked.  
"I was just about to pick him up from daycare."  
"Can I come with you?" Eliza did a double take.  
"Yeah, sure." She said. She watched as Alex got off the couch and brushed the crumbs from his sweatshirt.  
"Okay, uh, let's go."  
"Yeah, no. I'm not going anywhere with you until you take a shower."   
"Ugh, fine. Don't leave without me."  
"Wouldn't dream of it."

Thomas flipped through the TV channels absentmindedly, not paying attention to anything that was on.   
He pulled his blanket closer to his chest.  
It still smelled like Alex, like ink and coffee and that aftershave Thomas secretly loved.  
Casting the remote aside, he pulled the blanket up to his face and inhaled deeply. He buried his face in it, unwilling to part with the one reminder he had left. The one thing of Alex he had.  
His presence was everywhere in the apartment. It was there in the dishes piled up in the sink, and the open book still sitting on the nightstand, and the coffee mug on the counter.  
God, he missed Alex. Would Alex ever forgive him? Would he ever come back? Would he ever be able to pull Alex close to his chest again, or listen to him singing badly in the shower, or pull him away from his work at two in the morning?  
He started to cry, his face still buried in the blanket. He missed Alex so much it hurt. It was like losing a vital part of himself. A heart, a lung. It made his chest ache and his head throb.   
He couldn't sleep. His bed was too big, too empty. In the middle of the night, he'd find himself reaching for Alex's warmth, only to wake up and discover that he wasn't there anymore. Whenever he'd watch TV, he'd turn to make some witty observation to Alex. But the spot beside him was empty. The silence was thick and suffocating without Alex around to fill it.   
"I love you." He whispered into the empty room. He found himself waiting for a reply the would never come. An "I love you too, you dork" or a "you're jut saying that because you are the last of the ice cream" or even "I love you more, you fucking sap."   
No reply came. No other words were spoken. It was just him, and him alone, struggling to think, to breathe, to live, without Alex.   
He turned the TV on to the food network, unable to take the silence anymore. He knew if Alex were here, he would yell at the TV every time somebody decided to use the ice cream machine.  
He laid down on the couch, the blanket clutched tightly to his chest, and fell into a restless, uneasy sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy angst  
> Alex angst  
> Me suffering

"You know," Burr said thoughtfully, "much as I hate to admit it, you were right. Thomas and Alex did make a good couple."  
"I know." Madison said morosely. "They were good for each other."  
"I have to say, I was kinda surprised to hear that Thomas broke up with Alex. They really loved each other."  
"Wait, how did you know they broke up?" Burr waved a hand dismissively.  
"Alexander called me at three am. He does that a lot."  
"Ah." Madison looked around, then leaned in conspiratorially. "Thomas didn't want to break up with Alex. He had to because-"  
"No, don't tell me. If you tell me, I have to tell Alex. And whatever Thomas's reasons are, I'm sure they're good."  
"Yeah, they are. I guess. There were some better options. But he chose the option that would keep Alex safest."  
"Wow. He really does love Alex."  
"Yeah. He does"

Peglegs: yo Alex   
Me: yeah sup  
Peglegs: first of all please never say sup unironically again  
Peglegs: second of all I need your help  
Me: yea with what   
Peglegs: I'm kinda just having an existential crisis and I'm not sure what is happening like in general I don't know what I'm doing with my life like will anything I do ever make a difference in the world ? will I ever make a mark? or will I just kinda fade away?  
Peglegs:and what will happen after we die anyways like will everything just go black or do you think there's an afterlife?  
Peglegs: I'm not even close to being religious but I want to believe there is because I can't believe that everything can just end like that and you never see or hear or feel ever again?  
Peglegs: I just can't accept that one day I will be completely gone  
Me: I completely understand that  
Me: if you want you can come over when I'm done with work and we can have a Disney marathon  
Peglegs: thanks but I'm supposed to go on a date with mar and dabs  
Peglegs: but thanks  
Me: np  
Me: stay safe pegs   
Peglegs: you too lex

Burr hesitated outside Alex's office door. Then, steeling his courage, he knocked softly.  
"Come in!" Alex called. He closed his eyes briefly, and turned the knob. "Oh. Burr." Alex said. "What do you need?"   
"I was wondering if you were going to the meeting."  
"Yes, I was planning on it."  
"Are you sure that's the best idea?" Alex frowned.  
"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"  
"Well, it's just, last time you and Thomas-"  
"I don't want to talk about Thomas."Alex interrupted.   
"Okay, I recognize that, but I'm just not sure you should go. It's incredibly unprofessional to be fighting like that with Thomas. And Washington will never fire you, I know. But he could suspend you, dock your pay, shorten your hours, refuse to give you any good cases."  
"It will be fine." Alex said, more for his benefit than Burr's. "Absolutely fine."

Alex had to fight his every instinct not to run the instant he walked on the door when he saw Thomas siting at the table in the meeting. For a second Thomas looked almost as shocked to see him, but it might have been his imagination. He schooled his expression into one of arrogance and strutted into the room confidently.  
"I'm gonna fucking destroy you today, Jefferson." He said.  
"You wish." Thomas smirked. Something about this was so familiar-the banter, the bickering, the teasing. He looked down, suddenly unable to speak due to the lump in his throat. That was exactly how it used to be. And it could never be that way again. Thomas opened his mouth as if to say something, but then Washington walked in.  
"Ah, Jefferson, Hamilton. Good. I see you've managed to remain civil for the time being. As soon as Madison and Burr get here, we can start."  
"Sir, if I may ask," Alex said. "Why are we having such a small meeting?" He smiled patiently.  
"I'll explain as soon as Madison and Burr get here." As if on cue, a knock sounded on the door and Burr and Madison walked in together.  
"Sorry," Burr said. "The elevator was out of order. We had to walk up the stairs." Washington frowned.   
"I just came up that elevator."  
"That's odd." Alex said. "Somebody must have taped an 'out of order' sign to the door."  
"Yeah, 'somebody'" Burr glared at him. Washington rolled his eyes.  
"Children, please." He said. "You are the finest lawyers this company has to offer. Act like it."  
"I'm not a child." Alex objected. "But I see your point."  
"Does us being the best lawyers have anything to do with why you've called us here?"  
"Yes, actually." Washington said. Everyone in the room fell silent. "I have a very important case. We cannot fail this one. If we lose this case, it could mean bad things for all of us. It has to do with a former friend of mine, and I do not take it lightly. This may be the most important case we've ever faced, so I want you all working together on this."  
"What details can you give us?" Burr asked. Washington handed each of them a file marked 'confidential' which made Alex roll his eyes.  
"Could you be any more cliche?" He asked. Appearing not to hear him, Washington said;  
"I expect your best effort on this case, understand? They all nodded their agreement. "Good. Dismissed,"

  
"So," Thomas asked, when they were all gathered in his office. None of them had bothered to open their files yet. "Who will be arguing this one?" When nobody answered, he continued. "I mean obviously I'm the best lawyer-"  
"What?" Alex asked incredulously.  
"You don't agree." Thomas asked flatly.  
"Oh, hell no."  
"Well, I'm not surprised you disagree." He said smoothly. "You never did have any sense." Alex clenched his jaw.  
"Fuck you." He managed. And then he lunged over the desk, his fist connecting solidly with Thomas's face. Thomas fell to the floor under Alex's weight. "Fuck you." Alex spat again. "Fuck you for your stupid ideas and your stupid arrogance and your stupid face and your stupid smile. Fuck you for lying to me for months, for dragging me along and making me think someone actually gave a shit about me. Fuck you for telling me you loved me." Thomas's eyes were glistening.  
"I'm so sorry," He said, in a strangled voice. "I'm so unbelievably sorry." And then Alex did the strangest thing.  
He started crying.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short, but I felt bad because I haven't updated in a while. So, uh, here!  
> trigger warnings in the notes

**__**Later Thomas would remember Burr and Madison leaving quietly after Alex started yelling, but the only thing he was concerned with at the moment was Alex. He put a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him, but he shrugged it off violently.  
"Alex, I'm so so so sorry ." He said. "Just-just let me explain, ok? Please." When Alex didn't say anything, he continued. "You're right, I lied to you. But not about what you think. I told you my father was dead. That was the first lie. He's not dead, apparently. But honestly, I wish he was. I was hoping he was.He was an abusive asshole and a drunk. I didn't get that scar on my back from falling off a swing, he gave it to me. I had tried to step in between him and my mom, and he pushed me into the sink.He also gave me the scar on my leg. He had just been kicking me, and I was on the floor, and he just didnt stop, he wouldn't stop kicking." His voice broke, and he stopped for a minute to compose himself. "He stomped on my leg, with his boots. Broke it. He broke my rib too. And there's more, so much more, so many more times. I broke up with you because I saw him in the hospital waiting room and I freaked. I wanted-No, I needed to keep you safe. That was my priority. If that meant getting you far away from me, making you hate me, then I knew I'd have to do it. I couldn't let him hurt you. I couldn't let you get hurt because of me. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to explain. I'm so sorry Alex. I was just trying to keep you safe, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I should have done it better. I should have done it differently, should have explained."  
"Yeah. You think?" Alex's voice was hoarse and bitter. "I mean, my god Thomas. It really hurt me that you said that, that you did that. I spent so long just trying to figure out what I did, why you hated me. God, I could have made lists of all the things I thought about myself. I understand why you did it, I get it. But I still don't think you should have." Thomas nodded. He knew that. "I mean, didn't you even consider that I could help? Did you not think that I wpuld be able to give you advice, or help keep you safe?I feel like you just didn't trust me. Look, I...I'm not sure if I can forgive you yet." Thomas winced. "I mean, yeah, logically, I know that you didn't mean what you said, and you were making me hate you on purpose. But it really hurt, Thomas. I'm sorry. You broke my trust, and I'm not sure I'll ever look at you the same way again. I still love you, and I want to be with you if that's still what you want, if that's ever what you wanted, but I just don't think it can be the same way it was." Thomas actually smiled, for the first time in a while.  
"That's better than I deserve, so much better, and I definitely still want to be with you. I'm so sorry, Alex."  
"I know." Alex said. "And I forgive you. I love you."  
"I love you too, so much." Thomas pulled him into a tight embrace.   
"Now, "Alex said, "what do we do about your father?"  
"Ok so technically," Thomas said, "he's already got a warrant for arrest. He skipped bail after being arrested for domestic abuse charges."  
"What? Who bailed him out?"  
"Some friend of his. Anyways, so calling the police didn't do any good. I told them I'd seen him, but apparently he hasn't made any credit card purchases, and he's driving a different car. They've notified authorities, but there's nothing that can be done until he's found."  
"Ok. You've got an alarm system, right?"  
"Yup. And if it's tripped, the police get notified. Which is really awkward, because I've accidentally tripped it twice." Alex snorted.  
"Ok. Well the office has an alarm system, we don't need to worry about you here. You need a badge to get in the building. From now on, don't go anywhere by yourself. Don't do anything by yourself. Am I on your speed dial?"  
"Alex, who uses speed dial anymore?"  
"Shut up. Put the police on speed dial. Do you carry pepper spray around?"  
"Uh, no. I'm not even sure I own any."  
"We'll buy you some. Whenever you walk, keep your keyring in your hand. Put the keys between your fingers. You'll do some serious damage if you punch someone."  
"How do you know all this stuff?"  
"Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. Girls have to do this stuff all the time."  
"You're kidding."  
"I wish I was, but no. The three of them constantly had to worry about stuff like that. For a while, before she met John, Ange would have to take a selfie, take a pic of the person she was going out with, and their license plate, and send it all to Eliza. And they all used to schedule a call halfway through the date. They had a special codeword if the person they were on a date with was making them uncomfortable or scared, so the person at home could fake sick and the person on the date had an excuse to go home."  
"Oh my god." Thomas said disbelievingly.   
"Yeah. Now, do you understand? You gotta be careful, Thomas, and make sure you're never caught off guard."  
"Yeah. I get it. Hey, you want something to eat?"  
"Sure, I'm starving."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for descriptions of abuse


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kinda feel like I've lost my inspiration for this story. When I started I had so many ideas and plans, and now i've got to force myself just to sit down and write a chapter  
> I'm not sure when the next chapter will be, I guess I'm kind of going on a bit of an unofficial hiatus? I guess it'll update whenever I get some more motivation. I'm really sorry.  
> Trigger warnings in the notes

“What I don’t get,” Maria said, “Is how Alex forgave Thomas so quickly. Like, shit, if somebody had pulled that with me I never would have forgiven them.” Peggy shrugged.

“First of all, I don’t think he really  _ has _ forgiven Thomas. I think he recognizes that Thomas made a mistake, but he’s able to look past it because he loves him. It will probably take a while for him to really forgive him. That aside, he’s generally a really forgiving person. There’s only a couple times I’ve actually seen him not be able to. And when you do something unforgiveable...hell, you’d better watch out. They were completely justified, of course, he’d never do anything to anybody who didn’t deserve it. I...” She hesitated. “I was raped. In high school, when I was sixteen. We had only been on a couple dates, but I already...well, I  _ thought _ I loved him. But I said no. And, well, he uh....didn’t really like that answer.” Maria put a gentle hand on Peggy’s shoulder, seeing that she was close to tears. “Anyways, um, well Alex went  _ after _ that motherfucker. He  _ destroyed _ him. And I don’t mean physically-although, he did have a lot of unexplained bruises-but he contacted authorities, he argued my case in court. It helped that he wasn’t white. Because man, our court system is bullshit. And you know that if a white guy had raped me, he’d have gotten away with it. I’m not saying it’s right, and I’m not saying I agree with it, but...I don’t know. Anyways, he put him behind bars, for me, and made sure he stayed there for a  _ long _ time.” Maria already knew all this, from Eliza, but somehow just hearing it made her want to hold Peggy closely and never let go. Sometimes, she forgot just how young Peggy really was. 

“I was too.” Maria confided. “Many times. But you know the details of that relationship. I’m just telling you, I understand. I know what it’s like. I’m here for you, okay? Anytime.” Peggy nodded, and without warning pulled Maria into a hug. Maria wrapped her arms around Peggy, the sister she’d never had, and held her tightly. 

 

“Hi Pip!” Thomas cooed. “Oh, I missed you.” He tickled his stomach lightly, watching him giggle with delight. “Oh, are we a ticklish boy today? Alex, we got a ticklish little boy!” Alex smiled fondly. He’d missed this so much, more than he’d wanted to admit.

“I’m kind of tired.” He said. “I think I’ll go lay down, okay?” Thomas nodded.

“Of course, darling. I’ll just be out here playing with Philip.” He watched Alex go with an unreadable expression.

“I really messed up.” He told Philip quietly. “I messed things up badly with your daddy.” He sighed. “I lied to him. I was just trying to keep him safe, you know? But I did it the wrong way. I hope you know that when you’re older. Never lie to someone. They might...they might never trust you again.” He swallowed hard. “I know you’re gonna make mistakes, bud, because everyone does. That’s life. But learn from them, okay? Don’t mess everything up like I did. You gotta trust people, you gotta be able to rely on people other than yourself.” He snorted suddenly. “I’m teaching life lessons to a seven month old.” He muttered. “Hey, Pip. Peekaboo! Peekaboo! I see you!” Philip laughed hysterically, and Thomas allowed himself to smile, if only for a moment.

 

Elizabeth Schuyler was many things, but patient was not one of them.

“I’m so tired of waiting.” She moaned. “When are we going to  _ know _ ?” Maria shook her head fondly.

“We’ll know when we know, love. You can’t rush things like these. It takes  _ time _ .” Eliza sighed.

“It’s just...I keep hoping, I keep wishing, and then there’s nothing.” 

“One of them will turn up positive. We just have to keep trying.”

“What if there’s something wrong with me?” Eliza whispered then. “What if I can’t...?”

“There’s  _ nothing _ wrong with you.” Maria said vehemently. “ Even if you can’t conceive. It doesn’t make you any less of a person, or a woman. It doesn’t make me love you any less. It just means we’ll have to look into other options.”

“It’s foolish, I know.” She said. “Hell, this whole thing is foolish. We aren’t even married. But...I want children  _ so badly, _ Ria. I always have.”

“I know.” Maria said softly. “And we’ll get them, I promise.” Eliza wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

“Sorry for freaking out on you.” She said. “I just feel like it’s my fault.”

“It’s not, love, I promise. Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen and nobody’s to blame.”

“But can we really be sure? I think I need to be tested, I need to make sure that I’m healthy.”

“Of course. If that’s what you want. I want you to be as healthy as possible. But I promise, no matter what happens, no matter what any test says, it doesn’t change anything. I promise.”

“I love you, Ria.”

“I love you more.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not possible.”

“Oh, you wanna bet?” Maria grinned devilishly, and her hands shot out to tickle Eliza’s sides.

“No!” She squealed, gasping with laughter. “No, that’s-that’s unfair!” 

“Admit it! Admit I love you more!” Maria laughed, continuing tickling her.

“Never!” Eliza managed between giggles. 

“Say it, or I swear I’ll never stop.” Maria jokingly threatened. Eliza threw her arms around Maria’s neck, and pulled her into a kiss, effectively ending the tickling.

“I love you more.” She mumbled into Maria’s mouth. Maria rolled her eyes, and pulled Eliza onto the bed.

“Then prove it.” She challenged. Smirking, Eliza decided to do just that.

 

“Hey, Liza,” Peggy asked, opening the door to her bedroom. “Do you have any-” And then she gaped in horror, and slammed the door shut.

“ _ Jesus! _ ” She cried. “Put a sock on the door or something! I don’t wanna see that!” She heard Eliza’s laughter float out underneath the doorway, and decided she couldn’t stay mad. “You two are nasty!”  _ Damn, _ she thought,  _ this is almost as bad as the time I accidentally walked in on Alex and Thomas _ . Shuddering, she walked back out to the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of rape


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back (and worse than ever) with an incredibly short and shitty chapter, since I'm an incredibly short and shitty person. I'm not quite sure she the next one will be, but I (hesitantly) promise it won't be as long as last time. I hope anyways  
> If anyone even cares about this shitty story anymore, please, leave a comment! Tell me what you liked, what you hate, what you want to see. Your comments literally give me life, and I sometimes just read through them to motivate myself. But I'm lame like that lmfao

Mariah peered over Eliza's shoulder anxiously.  
"Is it positive?" She asked hesitantly, dreading the answer.  
"Yes." Her whisper was almost too quiet to hear. "Its positive. Oh my god. We're having a baby. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" She started jumping up and down ecstatically, laughing hysterically. Mariah pulled her close, holding her tightly.  
"We're having a baby!" She said. "We're having a baby!" Eliza suddenly slumped, the excitement draining from her body.  
"Angelica would be so happy."  
"She would be." Mariah agreed. "She'd be setting up play dates already and dragging you clothes shopping for the baby."  
"Yeah." Eliza wiped her eyes. "I was thinking. If she's a girl...could we name her Angelica?"  
"Oh, love." Mariah smiled. "I think that's absolutely perfect."

"Look, I'm just saying, now that Thomas and Alex are back together, the whole office is gonna be better." Madison said. Burr rolled his eyes.  
"Doesn't make them any less annoying, though. Hell, if anything, it'll make them more annoying." Madison shrugged.  
"Yeah, I can't argue with that." He sighed. "Makes more work for us, too."  
"Yeah." Burr sighs wearily. "What'd the defendant say, again?"

"Are the tickets booked?" Herc asks. Laf glances up.  
"Yes. I booked them an hour ago. Please stop worrying, Mon amour. Everything will be fine."  
"I don't know." Herc sighs. "Are you sure Alex will be happy to see us?"  
"Yes, I am positive. And remember, we are going for Eliza and Peggy as well."  
"Yeah. God. I still can't believe it about Angelica. Jesus."  
"No, nor can I. It is horrible." Laf agrees. "I am sure they are all desolate."  
"I'd say so, considering A!ex was just in the hospital. Again."  
"Wait, he was!" Herc nods, grimacing.  
"Yeah, Liza told me. She wouldn't tell me why, but it doesn't exactly take a genius to figure out why."  
"Je suis desolee." Laf sighs, curling up into himself. "Come to bed, Mon trognon."  
"Yes, yes, I'm coming." He gets into bed next to him, shutting off the lights. It takes a moment to process what Laf said. "Did you just...did you just call me your apple core?" Lafayette's laugh fills the darkened room.

Peggy glanced at the clock. 2:47 A.M. With a sigh, she rolled back over. Abby stirred immediately, being the lightest sleeper.  
"Pegs?" She mumbled sleepily, british accent more noticeable than usual. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing." Peggy whispered guiltily. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I'll go into the living room." She sat up with some difficulty, but Abby grabbed her arm.  
"What's going on?" Martha asked, yawning.  
"Nothing, nothing, I'm sorry, everything's fine."   
"Why is everyone up?" Josh asked sleepily, reaching over to turn on the light.  
"Shit. I'm sorry you guys. I didn't mean to wake you all up. I'm sorry."  
"Hey, its okay." Martha whispered. "We aren't mad."  
"Are you okay?" Abby asked.  
"I'm fine." Peggy promised, and promptly burst into tears. Abby immediately enveloped her in a hug, as Martha gently stroked her hair, and Josh jumped up to drape a blanket over her shoulders."Shit. Shitshitshit. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."  
"Can you tell us what's wrong?" Josh asked.  
"I just-I miss my sister and I miss my family and I miss Alex and I miss how everything used to be and I guess I'm just worried about the future and if I'll ever do anything with my life and if I'll ever matter or be important to anything or if I'll just fade away, or-" She was sobbing too hard to continue. She tugged her sleeve down, and Abby got a sinking feeling in her stomach. It was really too warm for long sleeves. She glanced at Martha, and realized she was thinking the same thing.  
"Oh, honey." Martha murmured. "You do matter, I promise."  
"You're so, so important to us." Abby said desperately.  
"More than anything." Josh agreed. He threw his arms around her, and Abby and Martha joined in, doing their best to surround her with love and warmth.

"Thomas?" Alex called from the kitchen. "Thomas!" Thomas rushed into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes groggily.  
"What? What is it? What's wrong?" Hands shaking, Alex pointed wordlessly to the kitchen door behind him, where a note was taped.  
'found you.'   
Thomas shivered involuntarily, though the night was warm.  
"What do we do, Alex? What the hell do we do?"  
"We're going to the police station. Now." He sprinted out of the kitchen, and returned with Pip in his arms. "Come on." He paused, thinking. "Dial 911. Dont call, but have it ready. Just in case." Alex snagged a keyring from the counter, arranging the keys between his fingers. "Let's go." Thomas followed him outside, helplessly. Alex shoved Pip in Thomas's arms and got behind the drivers seat. Not bothering to buckle his seatbelt, he turned the car on and peeled out of the driveway, tires squealing against the road.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me: i promise i'll update soon  
> Me: starts two new fics, writes five chapters on my actual book, brainstorms the ending for several fics that haven't even started, tries to work out a new AU for a different fandom  
> Me: S O O N
> 
>  
> 
> *watch as peggy becomes even more of a shameless self insert I have no regrets*

"So there's nothing you can do?" Thomas asked, furiously. The police officer looked apologetic, and Alex almost felt sorry for her.

"I can take DNA and handwriting analysis, to prove it was him. This is definitely a violation of his parole. But then there's still the issue of finding him. I'm really sorry. If you want, I can give you a restraining order. If he violates it, it will rack up more charges against him."

"No. I just want to go home." Thomas sighed.

"I wouldn't recommend doing that." She said. "Based on this, he obviously knows where you live. Do you have any close friends or relatives you could stay with?" Alex and Thomas exchanged glances.

"But we could lead him right to them." Thomas said.

"I'm sorry, but you have the safety of your son to think about." She reminded them, not unkindly.

"We could have him stay with Eliza and Mariah until this is sorted out." Alex said, thinking.

"You should go too." Thomas told him. "It's me he's after, not you."

"Hell, no. You think I'm letting you stay in that house alone while your psychopath of a father is out there, and knows where you live? No."

"But Pip-"

"Will be perfectly fine with Eliza and and Mariah. They dote on him." Thomas sighed.

"There's nothing I can say that will change your mind, is there." It wasn't really a question, because he already knew the answer.

"Absolutely nothing."

 

Alex was packing Pip's bag, while Thomas fed him breakfast, when the doorbell rang. He dropped the bag. Thomas looked up sharply, worry etched in the lines on his face. Alex grabbed a knife from the drawer and opened the door slowly.

"Surprise!" Laf and Herc chorused. Then Laf spotted the knife.

"Um, this is not the best time, no?" Alex's shoulders slumped in relief.

"It could be better." He admitted. "But you have no idea how happy I am to see you. Come in, guys."

"Alex? Alex, who is it?" Thomas called anxiously.

"Its Laf and Herc," He replied, leading them into the living room. "Sorry, its a bit of a mess. We're packing."

"What, are you going on some kinda vacation?" Herc asked. Alex sighed.

"Man, I wish. But unfortunately, no. It's...its kind of a long story."

 

Peggy bites her nails. She knows what she wants to say, how she wants to say it. She’s prepared and rehearsed for this moment. She has it memorized, down pat. That’s not the problem.

The problem is she can’t seem to force the words out of her mouth.

Martha, Abby, and Josh are all waiting patiently, sitting on the couch where she assembled them.

“Not to rush you, dear,” Abby begins, “but perhaps it would be best to just...say it?”

“You can trust us.” Martha reassures. “No matter what you want to tell us, I promise everything will be fine.” Josh, who always has been more for actions than words, simply takes her hand. Peggy nods, and steels herself, before blurting out the sentence that’s going to change everything for her.

“I’m sort of nonbinary.” She blurts. “Well, uh, not sort of. I am. I’ve, uh, I’ve felt like this for a long time, and I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t and I don’t know why, because I thought you guys would be supportive and you’d be okay with it and... _ are _ you? Okay with it, that is?”

“Of course, of course we’re okay with it!” Abby replies for all of them.

“Yes! I’ve dated plenty of nonbinary people.” Josh winks.

“What pronouns do you want us to use?”

“Well, um, I actually would like to use they/them. Of course, if you don’t want to-”

“Nonsense.” Martha cuts them off. “Of course we’ll use your pronouns. Group hug!” Everybody simultaneously tackles Peggy, as they laugh delightedly. They hadn’t ever anticipated such a supportive response, and they couldn’t have asked for a better surprise.

 

“I don’t believe this.” Lafayette says, incredulously. “Mon ami’s, I am so sorry to come at such a time. Why did you not tell me?”

“I’m sorry, Laf.” Alex grimaced. “I didn’t want to worry you.”

“It is a bit late for that, no?”

“Yeah, I gotta agree with Laf. And not just cause he’s my boyfriend. You guys should’ve said something, we would’ve come sooner.”

“I would’ve preferred not at all.” Thomas admits. “Not that I don’t love your company, but now I’ve put you in danger.”

“Nonsense.” Laf waves a hand. “We will stay here with you, we will help protect you. It will be just like old times!” To Alex’s eternal credit, he doesn’t immediately think of John when Laf says that. He thinks of watching movies until midnight, of too much coffee and words blurring on the document before him, of the days before drinking, before unbearable pain, before loss so deep there was no words.

“I don’t think it’ll ever be exactly like old times.” He says softly. The look of pain on Laf’s face feels like a stab to the gut. “But we can try, I guess.”

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so uh...this super short, irrelevant chapter in no way makes up for my absence all this time but I wanted to give you something i guess

Eliza picked Philip up carefully, smiling widely at him.

“Hey, Pip.” She cooed. “Hey. It’s your Auntie Eliza, remember me?” Philip gurgled happily, smiling up at her with pink gums.

“Me too.” Maria said. “Sorry I freaked out last time you saw me.” She reached out a hand to him, and Philip grasped her finger tightly. Alex and Thomas watched this with matching expressions of sadness.

“Oh, cheer up you two! He’ll be _fine_.” Eliza said. “Your job right now is just to stay safe. We can handle Pip for a while.”

“Thank you, Eliza.” Alex said tiredly.

“Of course. Now, you two go home and get some sleep. You look like you could use it.” Lafayette, standing behind them as if not to intrude, stepped forward.

“Don’t worry, Eliza. I will take care of them. It is not as if I do not have experience caring for these children.” Alex protested immediately.

“Hey!” Eliza giggled, and handed Philip off to Mariah, so she could stand on her tippytoes to embrace Lafayette. He leaned down to return the embrace gently.

“Make sure Alex doesn’t stay up too late. And make sure he eats. Also, don’t let Thomas make macaroni every night.”

“They are in good hands.” Lafayette reassured her.

“We aren’t children, Eliza.” Thomas reminded her.

“You sure as hell act like it sometimes.” Mariah input.

“And with that, we’ll be going.” Alex sniffed, deciding to leave with at least some dignity.

“Drive safe. And make sure to lock your doors. And your windows.”

“Yes, Liza, we know.” Alex said patiently. He quickly embraced first her, then Mariah, and pressed a kiss to Philip’s forehead.

“Be good for your aunties. We’ll be back soon, I promise.” With that he took Thomas’s hand, and opened the door.

 

Peggy fidgeted nervously, staring at the package in front of them. They were burning with anticipation to open it, but they were scared of exactly what it would mean to wear it, to embrace fully that part of themselves.

“Oh, go on, open it!” Abby cried at last, unable to take the suspense anymore. That was all it took. Peggy tore into the package, opening it quickly. The binder lay there, folded up, and they took it out with shaking hands.

“Put it on!” Martha squealed. They shed their shirt and ratty sports bra with minimal hesitation, and tugged the binder over their head gently. After some fidgeting, they stood up to show it off.

“Ta-da!” Peggy said, looking down at their newly flat chest. It was like something had been lifted from them, like a crushing weight.

“It looks amazing!” Abby grinned, and Martha and Josh nodded in confirmation.

“It suits you, Pegs. Are you gonna cut your hair?” They shrugged.

“We’ll see, I guess. I’m not sure.” Abby was the first to reach forward and hug them, with Martha joining in second, and Josh wrapping his arms around the three of them.

 

Alex paced nervously-back and forth, back and forth.

“Do you think Pip’s okay?” He asked eventually. “I hope Eliza remembered to give him his bedtime bottle.”

“Of course she did, Alex.” Thomas reassured him. “She knows how to take care of children. So does Maria.”

“Philip will be fine.” Herc said, plopping down on a couch next to Laf. “Watch, he’ll never want to leave Eliza’s arms.” Laf kicked him hard, in the ankle, and Herc realized that he’d said exactly the wrong thing. “I mean-that is-not that you’re not good parents, you’re amazing parents, the best parents-”

“It’s okay, Herc.” Alex said with a small chuckle. “I know what you meant.” He continued pacing though, until finally Thomas got up and took his hand.

“I think the second cup of coffee was probably too much.” Alex nodded miserably. “Come on. Let’s watch TV or something. ABC is probably having an abc marathon.”

“How do you figure?” Alex asked, confused.

“Aren’t they always?”

“Fair enough.” Alex replied with a smile.

 

“Shhh, shhh, shhh.” Eliza soothed. “Shhhh. Come on, Pip. It’s okay.” Philip’s crying only increased in volume, and she sighed. “Maria, have you got that bottle?” Maria entered the room, shaking up the bottle.

“Right here, Liza.” She smiled at Pip. “Here you go, buddy.” Eliza sat down, and held the bottle as Philip’s eyes slowly closed.

“There we go.” She whispered. Maria smiled at the two of them.

“Soon, it’ll be like this every day.” She said, in awe.

“I know. A little child, all of our own.” Eliza said. “She’s gonna be so beautiful.”

“She?” Maria teased. Eliza nodded happily.

“I can tell.” Maria giggled, and sat down next to her on the couch, both of them reveling in their newfound domestic bliss.

“We still have to set a wedding date.” Maria mused.

“Soon.” Liza said. “We will, soon.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...if anyone is interested in an angsty jehanparnasse fic (les mis) ft nb Jehan, genderfluid ep, and trans parnasse (also pining montparnasse because duh) there'll also be some courferre and ExR, possibly eposette too  
> anyways lemme know, and i might end up posting it


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i present-yet another shitty chapter  
> why am i still writing this. nobody is reading this. even i hate this story at this point.  
> Not to worry, it's ending soon.

 

**Peggy: liza**

**Peggy: i have to tell you something**

**Eliza: oh god no text speak this must be important**

**Peggy: yeah uh it kind of is**

**Eliza: ok**

**Eliza: is it okay if Maria's here?**

**Pegy: yeah that's fine I have to tell her too**

**Eliza: okay**

  
  


Peggy sat down on the couch, tucking their legs underneath them.

"What's up, Pegs?" Eliza asked, softly. They could feel two sets of worried eyes on them. Without any warning, they burst into tears. "Oh, honey," Eliza murmured. She pulled Peggy into her arms, stroking their hair softly. "Oh, honey."

"Peggy, what's wrong?" Maria asked gently.

"Would you-" They hiccoughed loudly, tears streaming down their face. "If I w-wasn't your sister, would you s-still love me?"

"Of course. I love you no matter what. What's this about?"

“I’m n-not a girl.” Peggy admitted, their voice muffled by Eliza’s shoulder. “I’m s-sorry. And I kn-now that you m-might not be okay with it, but...”

“Oh, sweetie, is that what this is about?” Eliza asked. “I mean it, Peggy, I’ll support and love you no matter what. I promise.”

“What pronouns do you want us to use?” Maria asked, laying a hand on top of Peggy’s.

“They/Them.”

“Of course.” Maria promised. 

“Definitely.” Eliza agreed. “Well...while we’re telling each other things, I’ve got something to tell you as well.”

Peggy wiped their nose and looked up at her, most of the sadness gone from their face.

“What is it?” They asked excitedly. Eliza and Maria exchanged smiles.

“I’m pregnant.” Eliza said, watching their face for a reaction. She certainly got one. Peggy leaped up, their face overjoyed.

“OHMYGOD!” They squealed. “Oh my god! Oh my god oh my god oh my god!” Eliza grinned at their excited face, and squeezed Maria’s hand.

“It’s true. And her name’s going to be Angelica.” Peggy threw their arms around Eliza’s neck, smiling happily.

 

**Eliza: just an fyi**

**Eliza: peggy is using they/them pronouns now**

**Eliza: and if you even think about disrespecting that i will physically cut your dick off and mount it in burr’s office**

**Alex: whoooooaaaaa**

**Alex: of course im gonna respect peggy’s pronouns**

**Alex: they’re like a sibling to me and even if they weren’t i would still respect them. Like why the fuck would i not they know more about their gender than i do**

**Eliza: good. just making sure.**

**Eliza:** **_has attached_ ** **philipandpeggy.jpg**

**Alex: OH MY GOSH**

**Alex: THAT’S GOTTA BE THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN**

**Alex: I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY FELL ASLEEP TOGETHER ASDFGHJKL**

**Alex: i gotta show thomas brb**

 

“Thomas!” Alex called, looking up from his phone. Thomas poked his head out the kitchen, brandishing a spatula like a weapon.

“Yeah?” He asked, looking around suspiciously.

“Come look at this picture Eliza sent me.” Lowering the spatula, Thomas walked over to look over Alex’s shoulder at the phone.

“Aww.” He said after a moment. “I can’t believe Peggy fell asleep with Pip, that’s adorable.”

“Oh yeah, by the way, Peggy uses they/them pronouns now. Eliza made some very vivid threats as to what would happen if I disrespected that-not that I would.”

“Oh, okay.” Thomas said, surprised. “Sure.” 

“Hey, where are Laf and Herc?” Alex asked.

“Laf is in the kitchen, helping me with supper-”

“It better not be mac and cheese-”

“And as far as I know, Herc is around here somewhere.” Thomas replied.

“Yes, our useless boyfriends that aren’t helping us with dinner-I wonder where they have gone.” Laf called from the kitchen, a teasing note in his voice

“I don’t want your nasty mac and cheese!” Alex yelled back, his voice just as playful. Laf appeared from the kitchen, an apron slung around his waist and a hand on his hip. 

“You wound me, mon ami. Nothing I have ever cooked was, as you say, nasty.” Alex rolled his eyes.

“Sure thing Laf. I seem to remember a couple meals when we were in college-” Laf waved a hand dismissively.

“Experimentation, that is all. It doesn’t count.”

“Okay, Laf, if you say so.” Thomas told him, laughing.

“I have never been so offended in my entire life.” Laf said, his face sporting an earsplitting grin.

 

Burr barely glanced up from his desk when a knock sounded on his door.

“Come in.” He called distractedly.

“Burr, sir?” This time Burr did glance up.

“Alexander. Can I help you?”

“I wanted to ask your advice on something.” Alex hesitated, looking around the office.

“That’s...new.” Burr replied, frowning.

“I want to ask Thomas to marry me.” Alex admitted. “And you’re the only person I know who’s ever actually been married.” Burr smiled sadly, memories of his Theodosia flooding his mind. 

“Yes, I suppose that’s true.” 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I can go...”

“No, it’s fine. I made my peace with her death.”

“How?” Alex asked. “I understand getting over it, but how can you think about it so calmly?”

“Time.” Burr replies. “Time, and therapy.” With a start, Alex realized he hadn’t scheduled an appointment with his therapist in weeks.

“Oh.” He lapses into silence for a moment, thoughts swirling around his head. “How did you propose to Theo, anyways?”

“You don’t want a watered down version of my engagement. You need to be original.” Burr reminds him. “Something Thomas can’t refuse would be best.”

“It can’t be anything too fancy, or he’ll get suspicious.” Alex replies, his mind whirring. “Maybe just a dinner.”

“Sounds like a good idea.” Burr replies. “I’ll leave you to it.” Alex stands up to leave, but hesitates at the door.

“Thanks, Burr.” He says. 

“No problem.” Burr replies. Alex closes the door softly for what must be the first time of his life, and Burr sits alone at his desk, memories of Theodosia threatening to overwhelm him. With a sigh, he picks up his pen, and gets back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all if anyone wants to commission me for writing hmu and we’ll figure something out because im a broke ass bitch who needs money
> 
> I can write for
> 
> Supernatural
> 
> Sherlock
> 
> Doctor Who
> 
> Voltron
> 
> Les Mis
> 
> Hamilton
> 
> Dear Evan Hansen
> 
> The only things I will not write is NSFW and incest or pedophilia.
> 
> We can discuss payment when/if you decide to commission me, I’m pretty flexible
> 
> If you're interested, send me a message on my tumblr @langstobsessed or email me @pelletierja20191@gmail.com


	21. Chapter 21

Thomas heard his phone buzz from across the room. Curious, he picked it up. It was a text from an unknown number, and there was a picture attached to it. He opened up the picture, his heart racing. It was Alex sitting at his desk. There was a pen behind his ear, his hair was falling out, and he was staring at some paperwork anxiously. Thomas felt a jolt in his stomach.

Somebody was targeting Alex.

And he had a sneaking suspicion he knew who it was.

His phone dinged, another text coming in. It was an address. 

**Unknown number: Half an hour or his brains splatter all over that pretty office.**

Thomas closed out of the conversation and started moving. His coat was on before he realized it, and he was out the door.

He was in the elevator already when he thought to send a text to Alex. There were so many things he could say, so many words it would take him years to write them all. He settled for something concise.

**Thomas: I love you**

He silenced his phone, exited the elevator and hurried across the lobby.

 

When Alex’s phone chimed, he welcomed the excuse for a break.  **1 missed text from macaroni fucker.** Frowning, he opened the message, wondering why the hell Thomas was texting him in the middle of the day. His stomach dropped when he saw the message. Frantically, he pressed the call button, wondering what the  _ fuck thomas meant by that. _

“Answer the phone, you asshat.” He said, between gritted teeth. It continued ringing, and Alex groaned in frustration.

“Hey, this is Thomas. I’m sure you know how to work a phone by now.”  _ Beep. _

“Thomas, what’s going on?” Alex asked. “What are you doing? Are you okay? Oh my god, please tell me you’re okay. I love you. Please be okay.”

 

_ Beep. _

“Thomas, you arrogant asshole. Answer your fucking phone. You can’t be cryptic like that, you fucking dickhead.”

 

_ Beep.  _

“Thomas, please just call me back. Please. You’re scaring me. Please let me know what’s happening.”

 

Thomas sat outside the address, an abandoned parking garage. Empty, but any sounds would echo. He sent one more text to Alex, trying his hardest not to look at the notification telling him Alex had tried to call him fifteen times. He then shoved his phone in his pocket, and locked his car.

“I’m here, you dickhead.” He called. “What do you want, and why are you threatening my boyfriend?”

“Guess I shouldn’t’ve left.” His father’s voice drawled from the shadows. Thomas clenched his fist. “I never would’ve raised such a faggot.” 

“I’m not here to listen to you insult me. What the hell do you want?”

“I want to finish what I started all those years ago.” His father replied. “What I tried to do so many years ago.” With a jolt, Thomas watched his father draw something from his waistband. There was an excruciatingly loud sound, a sharp pain in his side, and he collapsed onto the ground. He heard the echoing sound of footsteps receding as the world started to fade.

 

When his phone sounded, Alex leapt for it, opening it with shaky hands. An address. Thomas had texted him an address. He leapt out of his seat and sprinted down the hall, ignoring the strange looks.

“BURR!” He yelled, flinging open the door. “I need your car keys, it’s an emergency. I’ll explain later.” Burr took one look at him, his ashen face and panicked eyes, and tossed him the keys without a second thought.

“You wreck that car, I’ll kill you.” He called after Alex’s quickly retreating form. It was his way of saying  _ stay alive you dumbass. _

 

“Thomas?” Alex called, his voice echoing in the deserted parking garage. He spotted a lifeless form a few yards ahead of him, and sprinted towards it without a second thought.  _ Please don’t let it be Thomas, please don’t let it be Thomas, I’ll do anything. _

It was Thomas. He knelt at Thomas’s side, soaking his knees in the puddle of blood from Thomas’s wound, which had already stained a crimson spot on his shirt.  _ He’ll be pissed. He loves that shirt.  _

“Thomas. Thomas, come on. Come on, wake up.” Alex said desperately. Thomas didn’t stir. Heart racing, he pulled his phone out, dialing with shaking hands.

“911, what is your emergency?”

 

“I love you.” Alex said, into the empty room. Thomas was hooked up to machines he didn’t even have a name for, feeding blood and medicine and god knows what else. “If you wake up-When. When you wake up. You’d better marry me. Promise, you hear? Promise you’ll marry me. Promise.” Thomas didn’t respond, not that Alex expected him to. He slid the small golden band onto Thomas’s finger, and clutched his hand tightly. Like a lifeline, an anchor to this world. 

He was still clutching his hand when the heart monitor flatlined.

 

“I was going to marry him.” Alex choked out. “I have-I have the ring. Right here. I was gonna propose.”

“I’m sorry, Alex.” Eliza said as gently as she could. “He’s gone.” He shook his head, disbelieving.

“No. He’s a stubborn asshole. He can’t be dead.”

“I know you want to think that, Alex. But it’s true. He’s gone.” Peggy said, their face streaked with tears. “He’s dead.” 

“But I love him.” Alex said, his eyes swimming with tears. “He can’t be dead. I love him. I love him.” He repeated the words like a mantra, over and over, until they lost all semblance of meaning. If he stopped, if he believed it for one moment, then Thomas really would be-

_ I love him I love him I love him. _

He buried his face in his hands, completely and utterly crushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End.  
> Done.   
> Finished.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE BITCHES

"You were dead." Alex tells him. He fights to control the shaking of his hands, in vain. "We all thought-" He shakes his head. "You just. You died. For nearly five minutes. The doctors were trying to revive you. And then your heart just started _beating_ again."  
"Of course it did, darlin." Thomas says weakly. "I've lived with you for months, one little bullet isn't gonna do anything to me."  
"This isn't _funny_ , you dickhead." Alex says, taking him by the hand. “If you _ever_ do that to to me again I'll _kill_ you.”

“What would you like me to do, exactly? Wear a bulletproof vest whenever I leave the house?”

“Hmmm, not a bad idea.”

“What? No, I was  _ joking. _ ” Thomas whines. “C’mon.” Surprising himself, Alex starts laughing. 

“I love you.” He tells Thomas. “So fucking much.”

“I love you more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending you actually deserved.  
> As a side note, now that I have motivation and will to write (as evidenced by my five wipes lol) I had some ideas for the third book-would anyone be interested?


End file.
